Mama Said There'd Be Day Like This...

Well, here I am. Looking out of my dully, very dirty window, I'm staring at 95. . . in Rhode Island. The past three miserable weeks have built up to this. Coming back running to RI to get some help. A Tune up. It's funny they call it a tune-up, but it really is a tune up. 

Since I'm twenty I went to the adult ER. I waited for twelve hours to get a room in a hallway where no one has ever heard of Cystic Fibrosis before. I had a doctor ask me what one of my medicines stood for... it was the name, and it didn't stand for anything. 

I'm doing a little better now. I guess I should grow up into the adult world I've been thrown into. I need to just suck it up and grow up with my surroundings. I am grateful that I know what's going on, and that I pay attention. I'm so glad my parents taught me to be independent, along with advocating for myself. 

In some ways I feel that my late childhood was tough. I was stuck home alone for two years, with a falling apart family. I had parents who hated each other, and I hated them for it. I had a sister who was drinking her life to the drain, and who was with a less-than-suitable match. I just wanted to scream, run away, anything. I can remember working up to 40 hours at Panera just so I would have to go home. I hated my parents for putting me through that. Finally I grew up, and you learn to forgive. You never forget, but you forgive. 

I need to start forgiving. I need to forgive the nurse who doesn't know what tobi is, or the nurse who doesn't know I need 8 enzymes. I just need to start forgiving and letting things go. I tend to take things too personally, it's a flaw that I find most frustrating. I need to let things go. I need to let a lot of things go, but it's so hard sometimes teaching yourself something that feels so unnatural. 

I was talking to my father today about being bi-polar and on medication. I explained that I can't figure out who I am because I'm on medicine and I miss the mania. I miss the fun, the excitement, the giggling, the energy: I miss it. I can't tell if my personality is more dull without mania or if my dosage really isn't correct. It's such a fickle thing. 

I am thankful that I have people so special in my life, helping me through this tough journey. I would be hopelessly lost without those I love, and those who love me. I would be drowning without a helping hand to pull me out. So, thank you for all those times you saved me without  knowing. I don't say thank you enough. I love you. 

That's all for now. I only have 5 more days in the hospital then back to my love and the wonderful virginia weather. =) Back with a new attitude and a new outlook. 

Lost: my FUN, if seen please return ASAP

I used to be a goofball. I used to crack up until I fell off of my seat. Where did that girl go? How come I can't seem to find her, and all I can come up with are Debbie Downers' and Negative Nancys'? I understand life isn't supposed to be easy, and it isn't supposed to be fair, but not fun? Life should be fun. All I want is my fun back. I lost it somewhere along the way, whether I lost it in medications, exams, or friendships, I want my fun back. I'm having a very hard time staying positive when I can't even find a little fun. 

I know I'm not feeling well, and it probably doesn't help that the psychiatrist gave me expired medication -- thanks doc ! -- sigh. But, nonetheless, I"m bound to take it every single night, becuase without this stupid yellow half a pill, I might breakdown and decide slitting my wrists is more important than fighting through this fun-less cyclone. Or better yet, I might go manic, and decide I'm above everyone else and go on a sticky-fingered rampage through my favorite stores. 

Most of my life that I can remember well, I have been -- apparently Bi-polar for. Thanks fam. for not letting me in on that! Naaah don't worry it won't screw me up or anything. Now, I can't seem to find who I am. I don't know who I'm supposed to be with medication. Am I really this anxiety ridden worry wart? What fun is that to sit next to, it might be contagious. 

I want to giggle again, make stupid faces, laugh until I pee. I want my family to be more supportive for me, and I want a job that I love. I want so many things out of life, but most importantly I don't want any of them if they aren't going to be fun. I want my fun back. So if anyone's seen my fun, please return it to me? 

Days like these...

It's day's like these where I feel tired. Just plain old tired. It's days like this that make me wallow in doubt. Was I really supposed to move down? Is he really supposed to love me, or did I manage yet again, to mess up his life? I am just a selfish person? 

These are the days where I feel like a screw-up, a mistake: a defect. What's my life plan? Why am I here? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for medicine so why am I here? And then I feel guilty. I look at kyle and all I see is love, but what kind of life does a 19 year old have loving a terminally ill girlfirend? Someone who's just going to leave him and who needs so much. What possesses him each day to continue to love me? I wish and pray everyday that I can be as strong as he is, somedays I can't even deal with it and then he goes about like a normal loving day. Where does he get his strength from? 

I hope I can grow old with him. And give him as much love as I possibly can. I hope he knows I have good days and bad days, but I love him all the time. I hope he knows I want to try and fight but sometimes it's too hard. So I hope he will understand that I need him. 

Kyle, I need you

Moving on Up (In this case down)

I am moving to Virginia in 19 days. That's right 19 days. Kyle and I get our apartment in 20 days!!! I am so excited. So I called all the places around town renting and asked them all a million questions and we were able to narrow it down to 3 places. I sent him out looking at them and he came back with our apartment. =) 2 Bedrooms, 750 square feet, central air/heat. . . It looks nice. It's priced nicely too at only 699/month. 

I am very excited, but I have to admit, I am a little sad. There are things that I know I will miss when I move out of Rhode Island, and the main thing I will miss is the beach. Being a little Rhode Island Girl, with grandparents who lived within walking distant of a private beach.... you could say I was spoiled. Just a little... ;-) I'll miss just the vastness of it. Especially in the wintertime/fall/spring. The times no one bothers to acknowledge it's beauty. I think that is when the beach is the most beautiful. So I know I will miss my beach when I'm down in Virginia. But I'll be with my baby!! It's all worth it. 

Moving is tough. I have to go through all my things and see what I have and what I don't use and what I'd want to take down, etc etc. Luckily, my mom is moving, so I have free dibs on any of her furniture/anything. She's moving in with her boyfriend, so I even get a pick from dishes, pots/pans, vases, you name it I can take it. 

This is definitely an exciting chapter in my life. A brand new start, and I cannot wait! I am also excited about going to a new CF center down in Richmond, VA. I think this is a great opportunity to really advocate for my health.  I do feel limited at my current clinic, because they have known me for so long. I switched over into the adult clinic a few months ago, but I am still well-known as it is a small clinic.

I think the move will open so many opportunities, and experiences. I think this is the best thing for me right now, and it's my life is all starting to fall into place. I was talking with Kyle's parents the other day, and I had mentioned that, and his father said "that's how you know it's meant to be, it just falls into place." Which is 100% true. You should never fight something, what happens is meant to happen, and if something is falling into your lap, whether it be good or bad, it's meant to be. And this is meant to be. 

So goodbye Rhode Island and your gorgeous beaches, and HEEEEEELLLOOOOOOOO Virginia -- with your hot summers and fantastic everything else! =D 

Scrap Crap

I am addicted to scrap-booking. I knew I enjoyed scrapping in high school but now I'm addicted.  I just don't have anything to scrap about lol. but I found i guess blog candy? It's sweet. Awesome people give you a chance to win some scrapping stash. Like this blog. 

oh, thats about it, besides the fact I feel terrible today. 

A case of the Blahs

So do you ever have those days? Where you are just blah, and everything seems so blah? That, my  friends was today. Today was absolutely beautiful outside, but I just couldn't being myself to do much of anything. I was just so blah. 

I did get gas today, in cumberland picking up pepper spray. (don't ask). While doing these tasks I got hit on, a lot. Which is sometimes flattering, but today it was just odd. When walking into ACE hardware I got hit on by the counter-boys. No biggie- that was expected, a silly girl going into a hardware store for mace, what can you expect? But then I was pumping my gas, minding my own business, when a group of boys on their motorcycles decided they needed to get gas too... right next to me. And they also decided they needed to chat me up. Thanks. I was polite, got my gas, went inside to buy a drink, came out, about to get into my car and "Excuse me..." *sigh here we go again* . A car of boys this time, pull up asking for directions. Clearly they know where they are and where they're going but they were actually cute so i decide to play along, HOWEVER when playing along, I immediately say "take a right, (and it's a left) and it will be on your left (WRONG it will be on your right) hahaha Sooooo I realized that, laughed and corrected myself feeling stupid. Sigh. You're not supposed to feel stupid when being hit on, you're supposed to have higher self esteem not lower. Gosh what is wrong with today; it is just a blah day. 

I had ambitions for tonight, but tonight has been blah. And I haven't done a thing. Oh yea, it's definitely a case of the blahs. Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. 

Clinic

I had clinic today. I went because I hadn't been feeling well, and was convinced I needed a tune-up. Turns out I only needed a little antibiotic to kick whatever was growing out of my lungs, and I feel fantastic. In fact my lung function went up all the way to 77! I don't think I've seen 77 since middle school, or the very beginning of high school. Actually in sophomore year I went up to 83. So that's my goal. 83, or better of course. =D Go me.