Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Days like these...

It's day's like these where I feel tired. Just plain old tired. It's days like this that make me wallow in doubt. Was I really supposed to move down? Is he really supposed to love me, or did I manage yet again, to mess up his life? I am just a selfish person? 

These are the days where I feel like a screw-up, a mistake: a defect. What's my life plan? Why am I here? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for medicine so why am I here? And then I feel guilty. I look at kyle and all I see is love, but what kind of life does a 19 year old have loving a terminally ill girlfirend? Someone who's just going to leave him and who needs so much. What possesses him each day to continue to love me? I wish and pray everyday that I can be as strong as he is, somedays I can't even deal with it and then he goes about like a normal loving day. Where does he get his strength from? 

I hope I can grow old with him. And give him as much love as I possibly can. I hope he knows I have good days and bad days, but I love him all the time. I hope he knows I want to try and fight but sometimes it's too hard. So I hope he will understand that I need him. 

Kyle, I need you