Thursday, December 16, 2010

Sing your mucus out?

So my title was going to be sing your heart out but I really sang out more mucus than heart so i changed it. I picked kyle up yesterday for a last minute shopping and when I had to return him to his car at school I swung by the music hall and played with the grand pianos. Yum.

I went in with the intent to only stay for a few minutes. Um, okay. Reality check. And a clock check please, you said it's what time?! I ended up being there for over 2 hours! Just playing and singing my heart out. And man, I was struggling at some songs. It's funny because I just add extra breathing where I need to, but lately I've been misjudging. Example: "Oh, I can sing this whole phrase in one gulp of air, no problem..." except problem I could only get 2/3 the way through and then my voice would fade out and I would do one of those GASPs for air. Like you were underwater for just a few more seconds than made you comfortable. The kind where you are feverishly kicking your legs praying you break the surface of the water soon! Yup, that kind of gasp.

Fast foward a few hours. I felt like I had run a marathon. I felt like I had moved SO much more than when I ran the 3 miles. Oh yea, I ran 3 miles the other day. woohoo go me. But moving on... I was so rattly and junking and just overflowing with the good green stuff. So much so that I had to take a cup to bed with me so I could have something to spit into it was just too much to handle.

But I huffed a bit and got a lot up, enough to sleep comfortably without coughing out & up a lung every 3 minutes.

Side note: Today is going to be such a long busy busy day. And it's snowing. OYE. I'm all for snow in Virginia but seriously, the day we have to make a 600 mile trip?? really? I am up early because I'm needed at work early. I haven't packed a thing and it's supposed to snow. great. great. great. Oh yea, we haven't really cleaned up much too. And I want to do that before we leave. So here's the plan:
Work till 4 Get home at 5ish because no doubt it will take an hour to go the 5 miles home because people don't know how to drive when a few flakes of the snowy stuff fall down. Well, that and there are no plows. Mostly the no plow part.

Pack up. While kyle loads the car with goodies I should clean up. And... okay so writing it out makes it seem much more manageable. Hm. go figure. See bog, see how good you are to me. Alrighty.
Hope everyone has a wonderful thursday and a nice holiday.

Monday, December 6, 2010

But we've got love to pay the bills.

Every year I write down some of my goals for the upcoming year. I hate to admit but every year "Keep my room clean" was on the list. The reason why it had to be on the list every year? I never successfully achieved this goal... ever. This year I decided to let that one lie for good. So what if my rooms a little messy now and then? Sometimes life is messy and I like it like that.

It's funny how in just a short year some things change drastically and somethings take years to change, and somethings never get a chance to change. I'm always surprised how quickly time goes by, especially on the weekends, -I swear it was just friday right? Why am I back at work already?!"-- familiar, no? However this year, looking back it seems so long ago that I packed that fateful bag to head to clinic knowing that I was going to be admited. Wanting to be admited. Allowing and agreeing that I needed to be admitted. January was a huge stepping stone and a great way to start off the year. It set an amazing tone. I started off the year with a decision to change. So change I did.

It wasn't overnight, goodness no. It also wasn't easy. I've had lots of setbacks and lots of upsets, but more importantly, lots of victories. Those victories outweigh any doubt in my mind that I couldn't do this. And believe me, there were so many doubts. The best part? This is only the beginning.

I look forward to pushing myself, encouraging myself, and most importantly loving myself. Even those flaws that I'm trying to change. Until I can fade them out I will embrace them. When I reflect on even just a few years ago I'm amazed at how much I would 'hide' myself to fit in or be accepted by who I thought was 'cool.' If only "my friends" could see me now. Yea, I buy my underwear in packages... what of it? Do you know how comfortable they are?

I'm over being someone for someone else. I am being ME for me. And that's that. I look forward of another year of myself - to be honest. Although there are times I catch myself slipping back into that "Oh she's looking at my ugly shoes!" or "All these people driving by in their cars are judging how SLOW I am running" and I have a new solution for that: stop being so conceded. Gosh, no one cares what shoes you're wearing, and if they do care, they are NOT someone you want to be friends with. I'm embarrassed that I used to be so full of myself that I thought everyone everywhere was looking and judging me. Get over yourself.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people are caught in this way of thinking (I was included) and its unfortunate. Everyones so afraid to be who they are, and who they want to be because it doesn't fit what society says they should be. 2011 will be a year of individuality for me. . . I'm going to rock my Kmart sweater and my thrift store skirt with pride. And you bet your buns that mine will be covered by 5$-I-came-in-a-package-of-twenty-and-cover-past-your-belly-button (well maybe not quite the belly button part...)

There used to be days where I would obsess about how other people live their lives. Through blogs obviously. I used to compare what I had to what they had. Well let me tell you, I drove myself crazy doing that. What I have is just as amazing, different, but amazing. And if it takes me a little longer by encouraging myself and reminding myself that, then so be it. But I will continue to learn to love my life -- the beautiful and the damned.

My life with all the medicine, kyle perfected saturday pancakes, laundry, hospital stays, cuddle sessions watching big bang theory, nebulizers, raspberry hot chocolate, warm showers, pills, yummy food, wonderful family and love. Lots and lots of love. I don't say I love you enough to people in my family.

In 2011 I hope to show my love more. Phone call here, letter there, postcard? Everyone loves to feel loved, and even though I know they know it, it's always nice to be reminded of it. And sometimes you don't realize how much you miss them till after you've talked to them and then you feel great all day. (or at least I do! I love my skype sessions with family!!)

Overall 2010 will hold a dear place in my heart. It has been a year of challenges and accomplishments and I have learned a lot about myself. I grew a lot as a person this year and I'm excited to continue to learn and grow throughout the new year. And maybe I can 'try' to keep my room clean... but no promises.