Friday, October 29, 2010

Dappling in Photoshop.

What to do when you feel slightly run down and have to spend saturday all by your lonesome? Dabble in photoshop of course. Kyle had bought me a tablet after explaining my undying love of the idea of having a tablet. I would use it obsessively! (right??)

After months of sticking to my treatments and really stepping it up in the Health Department, Kyle surprised me with an "I'm proud of you"- tablet. Needless to say I barely knew how to open photoshop let alone edit pictures with it.

This past saturday while he was adventuring off on his Kayaking final, I buckled down, watch some tutorials and dived head first into photoshop. (only CS3 or something like that, not full blown photoshop).

The best way to learn? Take the most hideous picture you can find, preferably when you're fevered and have just woken up... and try to make yourself look half human. Oh and then, give yourself a cool haircut.

Now if only photoshop could be applied to real life, I'd look like a creepy baby doll, and that's every girls dream.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

How long till your surrender?

I got close to your skin while you were sleeping
I taste the salt on your hands
I reached out to touch you
the morning light disarms you
Won't you let me in?
Oh, how long till your surrender
So that previous post was sooooo annoying. Whiney Whiney Whiney. Blah blah blah. Geesh. But I do have a story to go behind it. (Notice I didn't say excuse, but just rather story?)
Rewind to last Friday:

Cal drives up from Duke to visit Kyle and I in little old Williamsburg for the long Columbus Day weekend and all is well and dandy. We have some fun, we eat, we drink, we went bowling! Well, on Sunday I woke up a little stiff -- no big deal, it could be much worse. Pop some NSAIDs and go on my merry way. End of the day? I'm still a little stiffer than I'd like and a little sore. Whateves. (Ew did I seriously say whateves?)

Monday: Okay today I'm a little more sore, my thumb on my right hand is actually pretty painful. I can move/use my other hand perfectly fine so again, its not that big of a deal. I take T3 and go back to bed for a bit. Fast foward: I wake up and now a few more joints hurt. Just the usual:
  • Wrist
  • Hand
  • Fingers
  • Knees
  • Ankles
  • Toes
That's a pretty long list looking at it, but it's actually the usual. It's all the small joints oh, and elbows too! Well, we have a low-key day and I'm debating whether or not to go on the 'ghost tour' around CW (Colonial Williamsburg). because I'm not sure how well the joints will feel in a few hours, but I decide with some persuasion that I can 'walk it off' on the tour. Eh, seemed good at the time. So we head out.
Tour was boring, our guide was terrible. Kyle was mad, she would stop at a place that had 3 ghost stories and she actually said once "This place is haunted, I know because I've seen it" and walked on, ignoring the 3 stories that she was supposed to tell. *Smacks head* Grr.

We get back to the apartment a little before 10 and by now my hip and shoulder have joined the achy joint club. I have work in the morning so I'm a little nervous about the new additions because how am I supposed to swing around 2 babies if my hip and shoulder are bummin out? Eh, again popin' Ibuprofen and offf to bed while the boys dominate Super Mario for Wii (seriously fun game). As I'm laying in bed I can't get comfortable. Within 40 minutes, I'm really hurting. In fact I hurt so much that I think I'm going to cry (but I feel very uncomfortable crying with Cal 20 feet away ) so I do one of those big slow breathes in, the kind you take where you're about to cry but want to stop?

Well, that did it. Let the water works flow! Add spine to the list of achy joints. (Can your spine even get arthritis??) At this point in time it's almost 11 (an hour of agony has gone by) and now it hurts to breathe in. Well, this is dandy. I also can't put pressure on my right shoulder or move my elbow. Uh-Oh. Cue: Kyle's enterance.

"Hey babe, you doing' alright?"
*gurgle* (I don't think I could actually respond without pain)
"What can I do for you, what do you need, how can I help" This was more of muddled together one big mushy sentence.

I decided I couldn't lay down - it hurt my spine. so I tried to sit in the gaming chair we have because its basically this rocker. No go. I sat down and immediately said "I think I need to go to the ER now."

So the two boys packed up some stuff for me and off we went at midnight to the local ER. MISTAKE.Should of just trekked it up to Richmond where people know what CF IS! Grrr. Anywho, I wait and wait and wait, and 2 hours later someone sees me. They take some blood they give me fluids, and they give me some teeny tiny dose of morphine. Gee thanks doc! I couldn't even tell she gave it to me. (I thought it was the zophrane they also prescribed for the anticipated nausea that "EVERYONE" gets with morphine. *rolls eyes* ) the M didn't even take me down a notch on the pain scale. okay maybe it took it down by 0.3? But I'm only giving it that much because it made me sleepy enough to close my eyes ( I couldn't actually sleep I was in too much pain) which sucked because we were there for another 2.5 hours. They ran some tests and didn't find anything wrong - no shit, I'm just blowing up like a balloon for no reason! Thanks. and sent me home with T3 (or so they sayyyy).

GRRRR. Oh, another note, while in the ER I developed a RASH starting at my foot and going up my leg. I repeated told the nurse. No one came back to see me. I was discharged 2 hours later. Annoying.

I go home and the next few days I spend in and out of sleep. The times I as awake I was swollen to the point where I thought I might actually need to be drained (do they still do that??). My legs blew up to twice their size, I couldn't put any shoes on --including flip flops because the straps were now too narrow. I hurt to sit I hurt to stand I hurt to lay down. I was a mess. I kept calling my rheumatologist trying to get an emergency appointment. but the closest one I could get was 4 days away. Some emergence. geesh. by day 4 I started feeling a little better, I could wear the flip flops and use my right fingers. My left hand was utterly crippled. It actually still hurts. Anywhooo. The doctor did pretty much nothing. WAnted to send me home with IBUPROFEN. Seriously now? I made a fuss and got steroids.

Turns out I did have a high inflammation rate. Nothing else was wrong. No fever, no whacky blood count, no virus, no infection. Nada. Just puffed up like a ballon. A Very. Painful. Balloon. I have history of gout, and lupus in the family and the doctor says 'nah its probably just a little inflammation/ arthritis flare up.' Um... Hello, I'm 21 years old. That might be an acceptable answer for a 50 year old. But 21? REally? (I got a call today and the lady actually said "He can't explain your pain but he's going to say its because of the higher inflammation rate, so its some type of arthritis" )

This has happened 3 times in my life starting at age 15. I hope it does not happen again but I seriously doubt it will just disappear. I would really just like to know what the HECK is going on. I couldn't move for a week. Not. Normal.

Not even CF normal.

Just arthritis my ass.

And that is why I was grumpy last entry. PHEW.
The end.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Just that kind of week...

Ever feel like screaming? I certainly do.

I'm sick of being sick
I'm sick of not knowing what lies ahead
I'm sick of feeling guilty
I'm sick of feeling sorry
I'm sick of hating other people
I'm sick of being indecisive
I'm sick of judging myself too hard
But mostly I'm sick of being sick

I'm tired of being tired
I'm tired of trying extra hard
I'm tired of pretending
I'm tired of being careful
I'm tired of being responsible
I'm tired of trying to care
But mostly I'm tired of being tired

I'm fed up with being fed up
I'm fed up with schedules
I'm fed up with no answers
I'm fed up with ignorance
I'm fed up with fighting
I'm fed up with numbers
I'm just plain old fed up

Does it ever end? Can you ever just 'accept it?' Is anyone ever content and how did they get there? Can I get there? I'm sick of being sick, and tired of being tired. I've been trying so hard and I feel defeated. I feel so unaccomplished with my life. I feel so useless. I'm lost in the shuffle.

I've lost my motivation. It was brightly colored and fun to be around. So if you find it hiding somewhere, would you kindly return it to me?

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

One of those days...

Its just one of those days.
I wrote this huge blog on my igoogle home page. I knew it was a risk, but I didn't think it'd be that huge. And then what happens? Oh, a little auto-refresh as I'm finishing my last sentence. Everything was wiped out.
It's going to be one of those days.

Is it friday yet?

I need sleep.