Thursday, June 25, 2009

Mama Said There'd Be Day Like This...

Well, here I am. Looking out of my dully, very dirty window, I'm staring at 95. . . in Rhode Island. The past three miserable weeks have built up to this. Coming back running to RI to get some help. A Tune up. It's funny they call it a tune-up, but it really is a tune up. 

Since I'm twenty I went to the adult ER. I waited for twelve hours to get a room in a hallway where no one has ever heard of Cystic Fibrosis before. I had a doctor ask me what one of my medicines stood for... it was the name, and it didn't stand for anything. 

I'm doing a little better now. I guess I should grow up into the adult world I've been thrown into. I need to just suck it up and grow up with my surroundings. I am grateful that I know what's going on, and that I pay attention. I'm so glad my parents taught me to be independent, along with advocating for myself. 

In some ways I feel that my late childhood was tough. I was stuck home alone for two years, with a falling apart family. I had parents who hated each other, and I hated them for it. I had a sister who was drinking her life to the drain, and who was with a less-than-suitable match. I just wanted to scream, run away, anything. I can remember working up to 40 hours at Panera just so I would have to go home. I hated my parents for putting me through that. Finally I grew up, and you learn to forgive. You never forget, but you forgive. 

I need to start forgiving. I need to forgive the nurse who doesn't know what tobi is, or the nurse who doesn't know I need 8 enzymes. I just need to start forgiving and letting things go. I tend to take things too personally, it's a flaw that I find most frustrating. I need to let things go. I need to let a lot of things go, but it's so hard sometimes teaching yourself something that feels so unnatural. 

I was talking to my father today about being bi-polar and on medication. I explained that I can't figure out who I am because I'm on medicine and I miss the mania. I miss the fun, the excitement, the giggling, the energy: I miss it. I can't tell if my personality is more dull without mania or if my dosage really isn't correct. It's such a fickle thing. 

I am thankful that I have people so special in my life, helping me through this tough journey. I would be hopelessly lost without those I love, and those who love me. I would be drowning without a helping hand to pull me out. So, thank you for all those times you saved me without  knowing. I don't say thank you enough. I love you. 

That's all for now. I only have 5 more days in the hospital then back to my love and the wonderful virginia weather. =) Back with a new attitude and a new outlook. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Lost: my FUN, if seen please return ASAP

I used to be a goofball. I used to crack up until I fell off of my seat. Where did that girl go? How come I can't seem to find her, and all I can come up with are Debbie Downers' and Negative Nancys'? I understand life isn't supposed to be easy, and it isn't supposed to be fair, but not fun? Life should be fun. All I want is my fun back. I lost it somewhere along the way, whether I lost it in medications, exams, or friendships, I want my fun back. I'm having a very hard time staying positive when I can't even find a little fun. 

I know I'm not feeling well, and it probably doesn't help that the psychiatrist gave me expired medication -- thanks doc ! -- sigh. But, nonetheless, I"m bound to take it every single night, becuase without this stupid yellow half a pill, I might breakdown and decide slitting my wrists is more important than fighting through this fun-less cyclone. Or better yet, I might go manic, and decide I'm above everyone else and go on a sticky-fingered rampage through my favorite stores. 

Most of my life that I can remember well, I have been -- apparently Bi-polar for. Thanks fam. for not letting me in on that! Naaah don't worry it won't screw me up or anything. Now, I can't seem to find who I am. I don't know who I'm supposed to be with medication. Am I really this anxiety ridden worry wart? What fun is that to sit next to, it might be contagious. 

I want to giggle again, make stupid faces, laugh until I pee. I want my family to be more supportive for me, and I want a job that I love. I want so many things out of life, but most importantly I don't want any of them if they aren't going to be fun. I want my fun back. So if anyone's seen my fun, please return it to me?