Sunday, October 25, 2009

Rainbows and fresh starts

Today was such a great fall day. It was on the warm side, with 81 being the high, but had such a lovely breeze from the changing trees. All in all it was awesome. Today, ultimately wasn't about myself. I helped out someone else in need. I gave my attention to someone who wanted it. I put my life on hold for a moment to be a part of someone else's. I do miss being home, but I feel like family at Jeanette's. And with real family being 9 hours away, I'll take anything I can get, but boy did I get lucky. Maybe there is a god who brings people together for certain reasons. Right now I do believe that we have been brought together at a time where we can lean on each other. And that is very comforting.

On the CF aspect of things I went for a bike ride today(which I would like to say I saw the most amazing rainbow strewn across the sky) and boy, was I huffing and puffing after a while but this time it felt good. I felt like I was enabling my body to keep going, it was so motivating. I always struggle with motivation and I think it has to do with my emotional status. If I am emotionally satisfied I become much more motivated, than when I am emotionally struggling. Lately I've been emotionally satisfied, and even pleased.

The world is so much prettier when all your pieces are fitting together nicely.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Learning to love

I learned a lot today. I am out of the hospital with a lung function around 69/70%. I'm staying with the woman I work for (I babysit) until my kyle has gotten over the flu. Jeanette (technically my "boss") has taught me a lot in the few months that I have known her.

She sees a strength in me that I sometimes struggle to see myself. She uses the word 'brave' to describe my battle, and 'positive' to describe my fighting tool. Now, I have never thought of myself as 'positive' in any way before but hearing her describe the light she sees me under almost makes me feel guilty. I feel like I'm cheating; being someone I'm not. I would love to change and be that person she describes and sometimes maybe I am that brave, positive, strong person she describes, but other days I'm only human and I hurt, cry, and yearn.

Today the tables were turned and it was not I receiving the positive encouragement, but rather doling it out. After a long, very hard and stressful day my Jeanette returned crying. Even through tears I could see her strength, her bravery, and her positive perseverance. My heart cried out to her to see her hurt. And it was then I discovered we all need love. We all need to learn how to be loved and how to give love. Today I gave all the love I had in my heart to this woman I've known for a few months. I feel like family and when family hurts, you hurt. I look up to Jeanette in so many ways. I see her as the wonderful, successful mother I would someday love to become.

I learned a great lesson today and I feel very thankful that somewhere in the universe I was given this opportunity. I know I'm probably sounding like a sap -- but I really feel blessed to have met this family, and thankful for being shown that we all need to love and be loved.

As always,

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

for anyone who has Cf, you know what it's like to know you need help. I needed help. These past few weeks I had just plummeted - mentally, physically, emotionally. So when I went into clinic on Wednesday October 7th I was somewhat aware that I might need to go into the hospital. What I didn't expect was my FEV1. It floored me. My first blow was only 43. My second 47. My third and final blow was 50. Talk about your heart dropping into your stomach.

No wonder I hadn't been motivated, or done housework, or school work, or anything! I was 20 % my baseline. I was sick, and I needed help. Dr. Williams and I agreed that I would come in on monday - that way I would be able to get off of work, pack, tie up loose ends, etc.

I was called to come in around 830 and within the hour. Everyone was so nice and made me feel so welcome and comfortable. My nurses are great and even know how to do chest pt, ensuring I get the correct 4 times a day.

My stay has been so enjoyable while I've been here, again I am just in awe. It's so different than Rhode Island and I love it. I'm feeling great, my numbers are back up to 70/71%!! Which is higher than when they first ever saw me. They fixed my screw up of a stay at jane brown, which I couldn't be more grateful for.

I'm leaving tomorrow or friday, and I can't wait to get back to the apartment and clean, do dishes, do laundry, go play, run around, and dance. I cannot wait!!! This -- when I'm healthy-- is when it's so easy to love life. I feel hopeful, and greatful, and so appreciative that I can actually experience the warmth of the sunshine, and the crispness of the breeze.

for now,