Even Soda Doesn't Cut it Anymore

I'm having an off day. Lately I've been having more Off than On days. But that's just the way it goes. Unfortunately my "off" days are actually the days I'm off of work. Goooo figure. Although this week I had an off day at work.

I have a list of things I'd love to do right now and I can't seem to find any motivation what so ever. I decided to give myself some time to just 'chill' and feel lousy for a bit and then start anew. I also decided to look up some blogs to see if anyone had any inspirational, quick fix it to get out of mopey land when you're feeling icky but you want to do so much?

Lately I've been backing myself into this corner. My list of things to do has sat unaccomplished for quite a while because I've convinced myself if I can't do it all then I'm sick. And who wants to be sick? And if I CAN do it all, well then, that's just pure laziness, and who in all honesty is proud of being lazy? So I've got two outcomes (in my mind at least) and both are negative. See how this is bad?

I know there's not a quick fix it, although I keep trying to convince my body that coke always dose the trick. I usually can get by feeling less congested after a good cup of soda, particually coke. Those bubbles? Clear out my throat & mouth like nothing else! Move aside toothbrush you're being replaced. The always reliable sugar rush & energy boost is always welcomed and the taste, well if you offered me pepsi I'd laugh. Maybe my body's not fooled that I got caffeine free this time. hmm.... But I wish there were some good old reliable 'tools' - if you will- to call upon when I need a pick me up, that don't leave me dashing to the nearest convient store.

I know keeping busy helps me forget that I'm feeling icky. But I also don't want to run myself down and lead to the most inconvenient hospitalization either. I've been doing so well balancing working, and thinking positive that this is a major road block for me. I know I have some power over this, but it's just so much easier to give up and cuddle in bed and waste the day. Yet, that feeling that lingers after a day such as the one just described, makes me feel even more miserable.

What's the magic balance here people? Where does it lie? How do you know you're doing 'enough' without over doing it? Or when do you know you need to back off. People say "you know you're body best" , but they don't account for all the mind tricks. I can't seem to sync up my mind with my body no matter how much soda I drink. And all these little cracks seeping into my noggin with this gloominess has reminded it of all those "what if's" I used to dwell on. I hate what if's. They do no one any good. Yet they've taken up residence and I'm having a very hard time evicting them.

I keep telling myself, counting down the days till the hospital. I know I should just go in, but I don't want to put life on hold. Not right now. I can make it. I know I can. My numbers are still where they were almost 8 months ago! It's the moodiness that is cluing me in on the much needed tune-up. I told myself I'd put my health first this year, and here I am knowing fully and allowing willingly to put it on the back burner for a few weeks for someone else.

So when does it end and how do we balance it? This will not be the last time I feel like this but in the future when it returns I want to know how to combat it. Kick it's unwelcome tushy out the door and live my life. Not live CF.

Woah, I haven't posted for nearly a month! Geesh. Hey life happens, right? Well the past 2.5 weeks have been filled with Adventures. Kyle finished school and doesn't start research till tomorrow -- er-- today? So while he had all the free time in the day to spend with me, I still had work... or did I? Turns out Emily caught some upper respiratory infection bug deal thing, and I wanted to part of it - so I didn't have work for 2 weeks. Fine by me. =)

Kyle and I did a lot of fun things together. We went to the aquarium where we fell in love with the river otters - they were just giant versions of Duck Duck and Goose. Then we went to virginia beach with Lisa and her doggie (she also came to the aquarium with us). We went dumpster diving through William and Mary which is always fun! We snatched a really handy desk that we're using as a computer printer station. We got some great plastic drawers and a lamp, and kyle picked up about 10 vacuums thinking he could sell them on craigslist. *rolls eyes* needless to say he hasn't sold one yet.

We both got mountain bikes, so we biked to Colonial Williamsburg, which was nice, but then, I took kyle to the park I used to take the little boy I nannied for to... and it was awesome. It has a mountain bike trail that I didn't even know it had. its about 6 miles long through the woods, its pretty serious. We've done that twice. Although the second time was today and I was just emotionally a wreck. I have no idea why but every 10 minutes I was breaking down crying for some reason or another. I was very discouraged.

I think it had to do with the fact that we started at the entrance, as oppose to getting on an emergency entrance -- basically if you start at the entrance you must travel at least 3 miles to get to the first emergency entrance/exit. Well, there are 10 entrances so when we went the first time we started at entrance 10 and had to pass 9 , 8 , 7, 6, etc. to get to the end. I think I was freaking out knowing I had to go 3 miles to leave. Whereas before it wasn't a big deal because I could just leave at the next exit. Well anyways, I didn't have too much fun this time with all the crying I was doing. But I did have a good chuckle when Kyle flipped over his handle bars. He was fine, only a little scratch, but the way he sped around the corner all I heard was him going "THUD CRUNCH (because of the dead leaves)" followed by an UGHHHHH -- take this one slow!

I also crashed my bike into him. hehe. I swear my brakes weren't working when I tried to stop. And I smashed right into him about 30 seconds into the trail at the start. I cut his leg. oops. It bled too. That was the first time I cried, and asked to go back.

Oh I am a mess. I felt physically better than the first time we went but I was just so emotionally distraught that that made me feel physically ill too. Not a good combo. At one point I had a full out panic attack when we passed mile marker 3 and still no exit. Bring on the water works!

It was pretty embarrassing and I felt bad too because no way was this fun for kyle, but he was a champ and still stopped at every single hill so I could walk my bike up, or he'd go up the hill, park then come back down to walk my bike up for me. And since we were mountain biking -- the whole trail is one giant hill. Poor guy. I always feel like I'm holding him back. Like, if I Just didn't have CF, we would have had a great time! =\

Anyways, back to our pseudo vacation, i had a few doctor appointments sprinkled throughout the weeks, and I'm finally going to get my wisdom teeth out. =\ Fun? They're going to do them in the hospital so I can have a tune-up at the same time. Which is nice because I could probably use a good tune up by now. It's been almost 6 months since my last one! Which is kind of nice, because it shows that I had a rough patch but I'm still doing pretty well. But It kinda sucks because I know in march I wasn't feeling great, and then by april I was ready for a tune-up, but Cayston seems to be a wonderdrug and I've felt great on it since starting it. Shame I can't do any other meds with my Eflow. I'm sure I'd feel amazing if I could.

Oh, another fun thing we did was bowling on a saturday night. All you can bowl from 10pm -1 am. They had black lights and fun music, and disco balls. It was a ton of fun. We stayed the whole time! And it was only as expensive as going to the movies on saturday, so I think that might be a more frequent date night.

We also went to duke to visit Cal, for his 21st birthday and we went to a saloon. Hilarious. complete with mechanical bull. It was a lot of fun though. I love to dance and I miss dancing at clubs with girlfriends and what have you so being able to dance with some friends was nice.

Ah there's so much more to write about (see Beth, this is what happens when you don't blog for a month everything builds up!) but I need to go to bed, GASP it's 2 am? holy moly. I really gotta go.

Part 2 to come tomorrow.

Ring in the New Year.

Hello 2009.

Two thousand and eight was a rough one. Working backwards,I caught MRSA from the last hospital stay, which was mentally tough as well as physically tough; my body just didn't want to seem to fight it off. I became extremely depressed beginning of fall semester =\ which didn't aid my health any. I missed Kyle, I was trying to cope with many, hard, life-awakening thoughts/decisions about my future. [Thank god for therapy now... yay!] I fell behind in school work, the whole deal. Missed all of october because I was in the hospital. Just not a good time.

Summer sucked because I was underpaid, I always overwork. Spring was tough because I felt so alone without friends. Kyle had gone back to school so I didn't even have the comfort of having him around.

Looking back there are things I wish I did differently, and things I am proud of. I am proud that I was able to improve my lung function 15% over the summer, and get it out of the 50's. I am happy that I had so many fun times with kyle and that I stayed active. I am grateful that I learned all my hard life lessons early.

I look where I am now, a month into the new year, and I am proud to see how far I've come. What I have accomplished. A year is a long time, and you can achieve a lot if you put your mind to it. I grew up a lot last year and I believe that was the best thing that happened to me. I matured, and finally accepted it and grew up. Granted, I still have a LOT of growing up still to do, but I'm more willing to try.

2009 holds many expectations and high hopes for me!!! By the end of '09 I hope to accomplish most, if not all of the following:
Finish up my first year at WGU. Becoming that much closer to an elementary school teacher.
Moved to Virginia, switching clinics, doctors, etc. [this step is scary!!! but oh so exciting]
Improve my mental state
Start being more physically active
Love my boyfriend every single day and tell him how great he is.

haha , the last one seems cheesy but its true. I really want to show him that I am in it for the long haul, that I'm working to be together too. I can hold my own. Showing him that I care enough about our future to do what's best, not necessarily what I want to do (because who wants to do meds when you could sleep?) but rather what i need to do.

So here's to a new year. Let it be a great one.
xox,
Elizabeth