Sunday, April 15, 2012

Patience. What the heck is that?

In February I wrote 6 posts but never published them. I felt that I was in a place where I was feeling very ungrateful. I started writing these posts as a reflection of self, to really get out all that pent up frustration. Just out. I didn't need it justified. I didn't need to scream it from the mountain tops, I just needed to get all those emotions down in one place.
I reread them today and I like them. I think that even though I didn't share them there was something powerful about them. The foundation of what is today. Trying. This is where it began.

I've never been good at being patient. Kyle has so graciously changed my middle name from Anne to "I-want-it-now". I've have never been good at waiting. I get an idea in my head and well, I want it now. I need to do it now, work on it now, and if it takes more time than I anticipated, well, I give up. I decide it wasn't worth the effort and stop before its complete.

Examples of this are strewn across all aspects of my life. That second blog I created so I could post all my crafty projects and clever thinking schemes. Well, as you can see I didn't get too far with that. But when I had the idea, I had this grand scheme where I'd become this awesome craft blogger and get so many followers and it'd be such this great creative outlet for me. And now it's just some used up domain name in cyberspace. So sad.

Everytime I log into blogger and see that sad, lonely, disserted blog I get discouraged. I'm slapped in the face of all those times I was stricken by the "I-want-it-now" syndrome. All those wasted hours planning, dreaming, hoping I could make it work. Always knowing in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

But that's just it. I'm a planner. I like to plan. I like to meticulously plan. Life, however, is something that you just cannot plan. As much as you try to plan, things just don't go accordingly. Life has its own agenda. I just want it to follow mine for once.

I guess that's where I'm wrong. I should be trying to make life bend itself to one of my many "I-want-it-now" schemes, but rather molding myself to fit Life.

I'm at such an awkward point in my life. I look forward to my days off of work so I can get my list of onehundred and one things done, and then when it comes down to it, I end up youtubing cute kittens for 3 hours and decide the days a waste. No will power. No motivation. Then I tell myself it's unfair that I can't have what I really want, right now.

In reality, it's totally fair. I haven't shown the universe that I can handle what I want. I haven't worked for it. You don't get something for free. You just dont. Sure, I will commit to bettering my life for a day or two, perhaps even a week if I'm lucky, but then its the same old slippery slope back down to where I started.

At clinic I onced asked if they had any motivational tips to be compliant. All I got was "you just do it because its your life, and that's worth something, and if its meds that you need to do to keep it running smoothly, you just do it. there's nothing else to it"

It all sounds so easy so simple; hell it makes sense. When it comes down to it, it's just something I don't do. Why? IS there some part of me that thinks my life isin't worth it. Maybe I don't know where my life is going so there's no real reason to keep it moving . Why put fuel in the car if you're driving to an unknown destination? Believe me I'd fuel up on a regular basis and keep meticulous matenence of my car if you told me I was driving to Universal studios. But to just put me in a car and tell me to take care of it, spend money to fuel it up, keep it running smoothly to get to a mysterious destination... there's just not as much motivation. there's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no finish line.

I have my own finish line in my head, but I don't even know if its the race is doable. And it would shatter my heart to a million pieces if I found out it wasn't doable. I don't want to take that risk, so I don't. I don't put forth the effort to run the race. A race I don't even know could exist. Some people would train just incase, to increase their chances, but I'm too afraid. Too afriad of the unkown. To fragile to face it and possibly be crushed by it. Ignorance is bliss. Yet my ignorance is unhealthy. I just want to be healthy.

1 comment:

cindy baldwin said...

I could SO have written this post. Uncompliance is not my particular poison, but I am exactly the same when it comes to planning and impatience - and starting projects that I don't finish...!

As far as compliance goes, I think there are two components - first, it just has to become a habit, and second, you have to have your own reasons for doing it. I've always been pretty compliant (largely out of habit - treatments shape my day and they are just part of how I structure my day), but as a kid/teen I didn't care that much about longevity. Once I got married that suddenly changed. I wanted to live A LONG TIME, to be around for my husband and future kids. For me, that was a real catalyst to becoming even more compliant and really trying to take the best care of myself possible.

I still have my ruts - not really when it comes to treatments, but I struggle a lot with taking care of my body in other ways (getting enough sleep, not pushing myself too hard especially). I go through cycles of being bitter and frustrated with my body for requiring so much WORK and TLC. Sometimes I also feel very selfish to devote such a large portion of my life to just taking care of myself when it seems like there are so many better thins to be doing!