Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Bi-who? Bi-shwat? Bi-polar, ah, yes, good old manic-depressive disorder. Well, being 20 I am officially crazy, as if CF didn't give me enough problems already, tack this one on too. haha. Oh well, at least I can laugh about it now. (now that I'm on meds) I didn't think that these meds would make me feel much different, maybe less sad, but MAN! This was probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time--being diagnosed that is.
Everything in my life since HIGH SCHOOL, yes highschoolall makes sense now. All my instant mood swings/ silent aggression, hyperness, wanting to do a million things, to thoughts of death all the freakin' time. Yup all makes sense. I am so glad I finally decided to see someone about my 'depression' because if not, I would have been stuck in this rapid cycle of up and down, bad and great. I was never "normal" I never seemed to have the ability to get things done regularly. When you're manic you feel like you can do 1,000 things at once and starting one thing usually means never finishing it. This also applies to meds. You feel great, so who needs to do meds? Surely not you, miss manic?
But flip it around and it's the same way. When you're in your depression stage you don't feel like doing anything, including taking care of yourself. I've been on the *hopefully* correct dosage of my new med for about a week and I haven't felt this good since before middle school. I finally feel satisfied with where I am in life. I don't feel stressed about the future, my anxiety has gone down, I don't feel overwhelmed and upset at everything. I definitely have calmed my instant anger and aggression down. ALSO I am able to tackle everyday tasks without feeling like they are a hassle, and I can actually finish them. In fact, I did 3 tasks in my 3rd class in ONE DAY! Usually tasks take me a few days - a week to finish. BUT with my meds I am able to buckle down and work. It is amazing.
So although yes i think why do I friggin have to be bi-polar, it is probably one of the best things happening to me right now. If I can learn to control my mania and my depression with the help of some medication, I could really go far. It's been a week, and last week I was calling Clinic begging to go into the hospital, and tonight, right now, I feel like I could run a marathon.
I have been religious with my medications, drinking more fluids, eating better, sleeping through the night (big one here!!) and just overall stepping up. It's so much easier to love yourself and care for yourself when you're mentally sound.