Patience. What the heck is that?

In February I wrote 6 posts but never published them. I felt that I was in a place where I was feeling very ungrateful. I started writing these posts as a reflection of self, to really get out all that pent up frustration. Just out. I didn't need it justified. I didn't need to scream it from the mountain tops, I just needed to get all those emotions down in one place.

I reread them today and I like them. I think that even though I didn't share them there was something powerful about them. The foundation of what is today. Trying. This is where it began.

I've never been good at being patient. Kyle has so graciously changed my middle name from Anne to "I-want-it-now". I've have never been good at waiting. I get an idea in my head and well, I want it now. I need to do it now, work on it now, and if it takes more time than I anticipated, well, I give up. I decide it wasn't worth the effort and stop before its complete.

Examples of this are strewn across all aspects of my life. That second blog I created so I could post all my crafty projects and clever thinking schemes. Well, as you can see I didn't get too far with that. But when I had the idea, I had this grand scheme where I'd become this awesome craft blogger and get so many followers and it'd be such this great creative outlet for me. And now it's just some used up domain name in cyberspace. So sad.

Everytime I log into blogger and see that sad, lonely, disserted blog I get discouraged. I'm slapped in the face of all those times I was stricken by the "I-want-it-now" syndrome. All those wasted hours planning, dreaming, hoping I could make it work. Always knowing in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

But that's just it. I'm a planner. I like to plan. I like to meticulously plan. Life, however, is something that you just cannot plan. As much as you try to plan, things just don't go accordingly. Life has its own agenda. I just want it to follow mine for once.

I guess that's where I'm wrong. I should be trying to make life bend itself to one of my many "I-want-it-now" schemes, but rather molding myself to fit Life.

I'm at such an awkward point in my life. I look forward to my days off of work so I can get my list of onehundred and one things done, and then when it comes down to it, I end up youtubing cute kittens for 3 hours and decide the days a waste. No will power. No motivation. Then I tell myself it's unfair that I can't have what I really want, right now.

In reality, it's totally fair. I haven't shown the universe that I can handle what I want. I haven't worked for it. You don't get something for free. You just dont. Sure, I will commit to bettering my life for a day or two, perhaps even a week if I'm lucky, but then its the same old slippery slope back down to where I started.

At clinic I onced asked if they had any motivational tips to be compliant. All I got was "you just do it because its your life, and that's worth something, and if its meds that you need to do to keep it running smoothly, you just do it. there's nothing else to it"

It all sounds so easy so simple; hell it makes sense. When it comes down to it, it's just something I don't do. Why? IS there some part of me that thinks my life isin't worth it. Maybe I don't know where my life is going so there's no real reason to keep it moving . Why put fuel in the car if you're driving to an unknown destination? Believe me I'd fuel up on a regular basis and keep meticulous matenence of my car if you told me I was driving to Universal studios. But to just put me in a car and tell me to take care of it, spend money to fuel it up, keep it running smoothly to get to a mysterious destination... there's just not as much motivation. there's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no finish line.

I have my own finish line in my head, but I don't even know if its the race is doable. And it would shatter my heart to a million pieces if I found out it wasn't doable. I don't want to take that risk, so I don't. I don't put forth the effort to run the race. A race I don't even know could exist. Some people would train just incase, to increase their chances, but I'm too afraid. Too afriad of the unkown. To fragile to face it and possibly be crushed by it. Ignorance is bliss. Yet my ignorance is unhealthy. I just want to be healthy.

Try, Try, and Try Again.

Kids are amazing. I have this strange love, borderline obsession, with kids. They fascinate me. I could watch kids all day and not get tired. I could read about kids, talk about kids, learn about kids day after day and I would always want more.

Something that I love about kids is their willingness to try. Whether it's trying something new, or trying something again, kids will undoubtedly try. Sure, sometimes it takes a gentle coax, or a nudge in the right direction. But for the most part kids have this relentless spirit of trying.

I see it everyday when I watch baby boy get back up from crawling when he's hit his belly, or try one more time to get that silly rice puff between his index finger and his thumb, and when it falls he doesn't even blink, he just finds it again and he's back at it. Finger to thumb, thumb to finger; puff in between. Eventually it will make its way to his mouth, but for now he's content with trying.

I think for this next month I will be trying. Trying to be better committed to my meds, and trying not to let silly slip-up's get to me. I'd like to try testing my limits by gearing up running a few times a week. And by running I of course mean walking and then taking some jogs in between those walking steps. Eventually I will feel more comfortable running for longer; and on those days that I just can't seem to stick with it, I want to push myself to try.

I don't want to be perfect over this next month, because no body can achieve that goal -- except for maybe Ronnie, I always read his blogs and just find myself thinking "Gosh darn it, why can't he ever not be perfect for once?" haha. But seriously, no one is perfect - including Ronnie -- and I don't want to set myself up with an unrealistic goal only to be disappointed when I fail. As long as I honestly try, then I'm already doing something better than I was before.