Patience. What the heck is that?

In February I wrote 6 posts but never published them. I felt that I was in a place where I was feeling very ungrateful. I started writing these posts as a reflection of self, to really get out all that pent up frustration. Just out. I didn't need it justified. I didn't need to scream it from the mountain tops, I just needed to get all those emotions down in one place.

I reread them today and I like them. I think that even though I didn't share them there was something powerful about them. The foundation of what is today. Trying. This is where it began.

I've never been good at being patient. Kyle has so graciously changed my middle name from Anne to "I-want-it-now". I've have never been good at waiting. I get an idea in my head and well, I want it now. I need to do it now, work on it now, and if it takes more time than I anticipated, well, I give up. I decide it wasn't worth the effort and stop before its complete.

Examples of this are strewn across all aspects of my life. That second blog I created so I could post all my crafty projects and clever thinking schemes. Well, as you can see I didn't get too far with that. But when I had the idea, I had this grand scheme where I'd become this awesome craft blogger and get so many followers and it'd be such this great creative outlet for me. And now it's just some used up domain name in cyberspace. So sad.

Everytime I log into blogger and see that sad, lonely, disserted blog I get discouraged. I'm slapped in the face of all those times I was stricken by the "I-want-it-now" syndrome. All those wasted hours planning, dreaming, hoping I could make it work. Always knowing in the back of my head it wouldn't last.

But that's just it. I'm a planner. I like to plan. I like to meticulously plan. Life, however, is something that you just cannot plan. As much as you try to plan, things just don't go accordingly. Life has its own agenda. I just want it to follow mine for once.

I guess that's where I'm wrong. I should be trying to make life bend itself to one of my many "I-want-it-now" schemes, but rather molding myself to fit Life.

I'm at such an awkward point in my life. I look forward to my days off of work so I can get my list of onehundred and one things done, and then when it comes down to it, I end up youtubing cute kittens for 3 hours and decide the days a waste. No will power. No motivation. Then I tell myself it's unfair that I can't have what I really want, right now.

In reality, it's totally fair. I haven't shown the universe that I can handle what I want. I haven't worked for it. You don't get something for free. You just dont. Sure, I will commit to bettering my life for a day or two, perhaps even a week if I'm lucky, but then its the same old slippery slope back down to where I started.

At clinic I onced asked if they had any motivational tips to be compliant. All I got was "you just do it because its your life, and that's worth something, and if its meds that you need to do to keep it running smoothly, you just do it. there's nothing else to it"

It all sounds so easy so simple; hell it makes sense. When it comes down to it, it's just something I don't do. Why? IS there some part of me that thinks my life isin't worth it. Maybe I don't know where my life is going so there's no real reason to keep it moving . Why put fuel in the car if you're driving to an unknown destination? Believe me I'd fuel up on a regular basis and keep meticulous matenence of my car if you told me I was driving to Universal studios. But to just put me in a car and tell me to take care of it, spend money to fuel it up, keep it running smoothly to get to a mysterious destination... there's just not as much motivation. there's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no finish line.

I have my own finish line in my head, but I don't even know if its the race is doable. And it would shatter my heart to a million pieces if I found out it wasn't doable. I don't want to take that risk, so I don't. I don't put forth the effort to run the race. A race I don't even know could exist. Some people would train just incase, to increase their chances, but I'm too afraid. Too afriad of the unkown. To fragile to face it and possibly be crushed by it. Ignorance is bliss. Yet my ignorance is unhealthy. I just want to be healthy.

But we've got love to pay the bills.

Every year I write down some of my goals for the upcoming year. I hate to admit but every year "Keep my room clean" was on the list. The reason why it had to be on the list every year? I never successfully achieved this goal... ever. This year I decided to let that one lie for good. So what if my rooms a little messy now and then? Sometimes life is messy and I like it like that.

It's funny how in just a short year some things change drastically and somethings take years to change, and somethings never get a chance to change. I'm always surprised how quickly time goes by, especially on the weekends, -I swear it was just friday right? Why am I back at work already?!"-- familiar, no? However this year, looking back it seems so long ago that I packed that fateful bag to head to clinic knowing that I was going to be admited. Wanting to be admited. Allowing and agreeing that I needed to be admitted. January was a huge stepping stone and a great way to start off the year. It set an amazing tone. I started off the year with a decision to change. So change I did.

It wasn't overnight, goodness no. It also wasn't easy. I've had lots of setbacks and lots of upsets, but more importantly, lots of victories. Those victories outweigh any doubt in my mind that I couldn't do this. And believe me, there were so many doubts. The best part? This is only the beginning.

I look forward to pushing myself, encouraging myself, and most importantly loving myself. Even those flaws that I'm trying to change. Until I can fade them out I will embrace them. When I reflect on even just a few years ago I'm amazed at how much I would 'hide' myself to fit in or be accepted by who I thought was 'cool.' If only "my friends" could see me now. Yea, I buy my underwear in packages... what of it? Do you know how comfortable they are?

I'm over being someone for someone else. I am being ME for me. And that's that. I look forward of another year of myself - to be honest. Although there are times I catch myself slipping back into that "Oh she's looking at my ugly shoes!" or "All these people driving by in their cars are judging how SLOW I am running" and I have a new solution for that: stop being so conceded. Gosh, no one cares what shoes you're wearing, and if they do care, they are NOT someone you want to be friends with. I'm embarrassed that I used to be so full of myself that I thought everyone everywhere was looking and judging me. Get over yourself.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people are caught in this way of thinking (I was included) and its unfortunate. Everyones so afraid to be who they are, and who they want to be because it doesn't fit what society says they should be. 2011 will be a year of individuality for me. . . I'm going to rock my Kmart sweater and my thrift store skirt with pride. And you bet your buns that mine will be covered by 5$-I-came-in-a-package-of-twenty-and-cover-past-your-belly-button (well maybe not quite the belly button part...)

There used to be days where I would obsess about how other people live their lives. Through blogs obviously. I used to compare what I had to what they had. Well let me tell you, I drove myself crazy doing that. What I have is just as amazing, different, but amazing. And if it takes me a little longer by encouraging myself and reminding myself that, then so be it. But I will continue to learn to love my life -- the beautiful and the damned.

My life with all the medicine, kyle perfected saturday pancakes, laundry, hospital stays, cuddle sessions watching big bang theory, nebulizers, raspberry hot chocolate, warm showers, pills, yummy food, wonderful family and love. Lots and lots of love. I don't say I love you enough to people in my family.

In 2011 I hope to show my love more. Phone call here, letter there, postcard? Everyone loves to feel loved, and even though I know they know it, it's always nice to be reminded of it. And sometimes you don't realize how much you miss them till after you've talked to them and then you feel great all day. (or at least I do! I love my skype sessions with family!!)

Overall 2010 will hold a dear place in my heart. It has been a year of challenges and accomplishments and I have learned a lot about myself. I grew a lot as a person this year and I'm excited to continue to learn and grow throughout the new year. And maybe I can 'try' to keep my room clean... but no promises.

its a go! AGAIN but serioulsy this time...

As I was waking up this morning, my sister informed me she got ANOTHER call, after being sent home a few hours prior.... so at 6am she was heading up to Boston to see if the 3rd pair of lungs in 3 days was the charm. And it was!

She has been in surgery doing the actual transplant since 130ish. I had such a GREAT feeling about this one. I wore my "I lung you" shirt for extra luck, and it seemed to work. 3 days 3 pairs of lungs, 3 is a lucky number I guess.

Now all we need are some more good thoughts for a speedy recovery.

I am simply overjoyed. She's getting a whole new chance to live again. here here!