Thursday, April 19, 2012

Apples from the fruit bowl

This was another post I wrote a while ago but never published. but it perfectly reflects how I feel these days. I'm yet again without an inhaled antibiotic due to insurance, shortages, and goodness knows what else. Sigh.


I'm upset. I cheated myself and my body didn't give up on me.

For the past month I've been without inhaled antibiotics. Not by choice, oh no, not by choice. It's been one insurance snafu after the next, and we all know how long insurance snafus take to resolve themselves.

Knowing I was in it for the long haul I upped my commitment. I tried doing saline, extra vest. And it was great, for those few days. Perhaps even a week slipped by. But when all was said and done I cheated myself. I didn't put forth the effort that I deserve. That kyle deserves. That our future deserves and I'm embarrassed.

I went to clinic prepared. Mentally prepping myself for those low PFT's scores. Gearing up the speech to present to my disappointed family about how low pfts were expected. That it's no big deal. And yet my body, my fragile, brilliant, exuberant body took over and I blew a 70%. My fev1 went down .03 L which in the grand scheme of things is hardly a change.

I was ecstatic. Underneath the initial excitement, I felt guilt. Guilt that I wasn't honest, and I was taking credit for taking good care of myself. I hadn't. I wasn't. I'm not. And I am embarrassed.


This happens quite frequently and I am getting tired of playing this game with myself. The guilty game.

I didn't have a great morning this morning. Oliver was really getting to me and I ended up freaking out on him when I found him on our dining room table eating apples out of the fruit bowl. On the table. Our almost 4 foot high table. Apples. Out of the fruit bowl. I freaked. He wasn't happy. I don't blame him I would have been upset if I was being freaked out on too. I was so unlike myself that I broke down. All I could think about was that terrible terrible time I once told my dying sister that no one could love her because she doesn't love herself. (This was when she was getting divorced from her 3 month husband. who was a douche by the way). That was such a dark time in my life. One where I intentionally hurt people, couldn't control my rage, and all in all was not nice. I wasn't happy. I was frustrated. I was hurt. And it scares me to think I went back to that.

I never want to go back to being in such a dark place. Oliver has since forgiven me for my freak out. Eventually I'll have to forgive myself. For now I'll use the experience as motivation to become a better doggie parent, and overall a better person.

I missed one med last night. I've been having crazy dreams and not sleeping well. I ended up being exhausted going to bed, and completely forgetting about it -- until the next morning. Sigh. These things happen. Try again. I don't want to cheat myself.


Gem said...

Don't beat yourself up Mrs! We all have those 'dark times' where we say things and do things that we later feel dreadful for saying. The important thing is you can see and recognise that you said these things.

Often when we have these dark times we don't know that we're in them, only when we get ourselves out and look back we see that it wasn't a good time for you.

I am ALWAYS here if you need to sound off at someone who won't take it to heart and will listen to you. We take our anger and frustration out on those we love the most and the ones that are closest to us because you know that they have an unconditional love for you.

And now I'm going to go in search of an apple to eat :D



cindy baldwin said...

I know some of the feelings you describe so well. CF is so darn unpredictable - it feels like sometimes when I do NOTHING I stay healthy and sometimes when I do EVERYTHING I decline, so I have definite moments of "what the crap? why am I even doing this?" You know?