Try, Try, and Try Again.

Kids are amazing. I have this strange love, borderline obsession, with kids. They fascinate me. I could watch kids all day and not get tired. I could read about kids, talk about kids, learn about kids day after day and I would always want more.

Something that I love about kids is their willingness to try. Whether it's trying something new, or trying something again, kids will undoubtedly try. Sure, sometimes it takes a gentle coax, or a nudge in the right direction. But for the most part kids have this relentless spirit of trying.

I see it everyday when I watch baby boy get back up from crawling when he's hit his belly, or try one more time to get that silly rice puff between his index finger and his thumb, and when it falls he doesn't even blink, he just finds it again and he's back at it. Finger to thumb, thumb to finger; puff in between. Eventually it will make its way to his mouth, but for now he's content with trying.

I think for this next month I will be trying. Trying to be better committed to my meds, and trying not to let silly slip-up's get to me. I'd like to try testing my limits by gearing up running a few times a week. And by running I of course mean walking and then taking some jogs in between those walking steps. Eventually I will feel more comfortable running for longer; and on those days that I just can't seem to stick with it, I want to push myself to try.

I don't want to be perfect over this next month, because no body can achieve that goal -- except for maybe Ronnie, I always read his blogs and just find myself thinking "Gosh darn it, why can't he ever not be perfect for once?" haha. But seriously, no one is perfect - including Ronnie -- and I don't want to set myself up with an unrealistic goal only to be disappointed when I fail. As long as I honestly try, then I'm already doing something better than I was before.

Here we go again.

I was doing awesome. I was 6 days into a 100% compliant schedule and I was feeling GREAT. I was rockin' my treatments and even remember that pesky MWF dose of azyithromycin.

And then it happened. I woke up on Saturday with an intense motivation for that day's planned activity: fixing up the porch! Or at least, the very early beginning steps. It wasn't until almost 8:30 that I realized what I had done. I missed my morning treatments! ALL of them! Pills, nebs, the whole kittencaboodle.

Instead of picking myself right back up, I let it get to me. I felt defeated and as I did my nighttime treatments I tried to stay positive but I could feel the insecurities and the guilt creep back in. By sunday the indifference had rolled around. I missed Sunday and Monday(today's) morning treatments.

All I have to say is enough. Just enough. I will pick myself back up, dust myself off and try again. I got 6 days down, let's shoot for 7. I may have missed this morning's doses but tomorrow is a new day, and I still have tonight, so you better believe I'll be adding in a few extra vesting minutes.

I'll get there. One of these days I'll get there.

One Day Down

When I was younger I used to count down to my birthday with the help of small candies. Skittles always happened to be my favorite candy for the job. I would line up around 10 skittles to mark the days before my birthday. Each morning I was allowed to eat one--to mark the passing days-- and I was left with a new skittle countdown.

For some reason as I strapped on my vest this morning, for the second day in a row, I thought about my skittle countdown. There were some years where my birthday was nothing but a regular old bad day. My 'sweet' sixteen stands out; dumped by a boyfriend, my 'big gift' from my mom was an electric tart burner so I wouldn't have candles in my room, and my best friend who found her semi dress at the mall that day while I found nothing. Yet, those ten days before I had my skittles laid out and I enjoyed an edible countdown.

I'm not sure why I used to do that. It took an awful lot of will power just to walk by those remaining skittles. But each day was that much sweeter (literally) when I got to wake up and eat that day's skittle. It was something to look forward to; to congratulate myself on making it one day closer to being a whole year older.

I don't think my motivation slump can be cured by skittles, but I do believe that I need to be celebrating each day for making it one day closer to being a whole year older. That's another morning I get to enjoy, another day I get to tell Kyle I love him. Another night where I get to enjoy the simple pleasure of a hot shower.

I want to be able to celebrate each passing day as a small victory. Just like passing those remaining skittles I know it's going to take some willpower. But it was the willpower that made the remaining skittles taste that much better.

This next section is just to hold me accountable. Ideally I'd like to work saline back into my routine.

Yesterday's Compliance:

Morning:

• vest (30 min)
• tobi
• urso
• advair
• albuterol

Evening:

• Pulmozyme
• Tobi
• Vest (40 min)
• Urso
• Advair
• Vitamins
• Protonix
• Albuterol

Compliance and Vacation

I understand the concept of compliance. I'm pretty good with it at home, it does indeed, make me feel great. However, when those bags get packed and the meds are meticulously counted out per day (along with a day or two extra -- you never know), I lose it. I simply cannot be on vacation and be anywhere near compliant. It's a little ridiculous. I do believe that is part of the stress when 'vacationing' aka going home.

But not doing my meds adds even more stress, so that when I get home, I don't feel well and I'm down because I was doing so well before we left only to erase all my hard work of compliancy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't TRY to be compliant. I try alright, I try. But somehow things just go undone. I also think its much harder to be compliant on vacation. You're having too much fun to just sit down for 45 minutes to vest. Especially if everyone around you is pulling you in 20 million directions.

that's the other thing about going home. I need to see aproximately 20 million people when I get there. Okay, people, I just drove for 12 stinkin' straight hours, so no I would not like to go out breakfast as soon as we roll up in the driveway. I want to crash on a bed and screw up my sleeping schedule.

Oh, sleep. That's a good one. My whole schedule is out the window. In a 4 day span I only got maybe 18 hours a sleep? This coming from the girl who like to get 10 hours a sleep a night. Grrrr. So everyone expects you to travel all over the place to come visit them. Hello! We're the ones coming up. You get off your lazy bum and come visit me, in my pajamas because I'll be napping the whole day I arrive.

Anywhoo. There are also people I simply do not have time to visit. Who make me visit them regardless. That really gets me. I'm now just complaining. I really only wanted to vent about how I cannot remember to sit down and do pulmozyme while in a different setting, and how amazingly frustrating that is.

My actual visit was nice, considering all the above mentioned nonsense. I didn't get to see one of my old high school friends which was such a bummer because I haven't seen him in literally 4 years and I miss him.

But now after driving 12 hours to arrive yesterday morning, then throwing off the sleep schedule once again by sleeping from 7am to noon, then 330-500 and back to bed by 1130... I'm up at 6 to get right back into the swing of things. I always need a vacation after a vacation. I need a break.

My sister could also use a break. She was escorted to childrens hospital via ambulance equipped with 1 MD 1 RN 2 EMT's. Oh yea, she got the special treatment. But what really threw me off was the part of the message that said "... they stabilized her, and now she's off to hasbro" ... excuse me did you just say they had to stabilize her?Oh dear, that is never good. Along side with throwing up until you pass out, that's never good too. What is good? She is officially double listed at Cleveland Clinic. Lets hope those lungs come soon.

Off to start the day my day with two pint sized trouble makers. At least today its just Thing 1 and Thing 2 and no 3rd child.