Monday, December 6, 2010

But we've got love to pay the bills.

Every year I write down some of my goals for the upcoming year. I hate to admit but every year "Keep my room clean" was on the list. The reason why it had to be on the list every year? I never successfully achieved this goal... ever. This year I decided to let that one lie for good. So what if my rooms a little messy now and then? Sometimes life is messy and I like it like that.

It's funny how in just a short year some things change drastically and somethings take years to change, and somethings never get a chance to change. I'm always surprised how quickly time goes by, especially on the weekends, -I swear it was just friday right? Why am I back at work already?!"-- familiar, no? However this year, looking back it seems so long ago that I packed that fateful bag to head to clinic knowing that I was going to be admited. Wanting to be admited. Allowing and agreeing that I needed to be admitted. January was a huge stepping stone and a great way to start off the year. It set an amazing tone. I started off the year with a decision to change. So change I did.

It wasn't overnight, goodness no. It also wasn't easy. I've had lots of setbacks and lots of upsets, but more importantly, lots of victories. Those victories outweigh any doubt in my mind that I couldn't do this. And believe me, there were so many doubts. The best part? This is only the beginning.

I look forward to pushing myself, encouraging myself, and most importantly loving myself. Even those flaws that I'm trying to change. Until I can fade them out I will embrace them. When I reflect on even just a few years ago I'm amazed at how much I would 'hide' myself to fit in or be accepted by who I thought was 'cool.' If only "my friends" could see me now. Yea, I buy my underwear in packages... what of it? Do you know how comfortable they are?

I'm over being someone for someone else. I am being ME for me. And that's that. I look forward of another year of myself - to be honest. Although there are times I catch myself slipping back into that "Oh she's looking at my ugly shoes!" or "All these people driving by in their cars are judging how SLOW I am running" and I have a new solution for that: stop being so conceded. Gosh, no one cares what shoes you're wearing, and if they do care, they are NOT someone you want to be friends with. I'm embarrassed that I used to be so full of myself that I thought everyone everywhere was looking and judging me. Get over yourself.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people are caught in this way of thinking (I was included) and its unfortunate. Everyones so afraid to be who they are, and who they want to be because it doesn't fit what society says they should be. 2011 will be a year of individuality for me. . . I'm going to rock my Kmart sweater and my thrift store skirt with pride. And you bet your buns that mine will be covered by 5$-I-came-in-a-package-of-twenty-and-cover-past-your-belly-button (well maybe not quite the belly button part...)

There used to be days where I would obsess about how other people live their lives. Through blogs obviously. I used to compare what I had to what they had. Well let me tell you, I drove myself crazy doing that. What I have is just as amazing, different, but amazing. And if it takes me a little longer by encouraging myself and reminding myself that, then so be it. But I will continue to learn to love my life -- the beautiful and the damned.

My life with all the medicine, kyle perfected saturday pancakes, laundry, hospital stays, cuddle sessions watching big bang theory, nebulizers, raspberry hot chocolate, warm showers, pills, yummy food, wonderful family and love. Lots and lots of love. I don't say I love you enough to people in my family.

In 2011 I hope to show my love more. Phone call here, letter there, postcard? Everyone loves to feel loved, and even though I know they know it, it's always nice to be reminded of it. And sometimes you don't realize how much you miss them till after you've talked to them and then you feel great all day. (or at least I do! I love my skype sessions with family!!)

Overall 2010 will hold a dear place in my heart. It has been a year of challenges and accomplishments and I have learned a lot about myself. I grew a lot as a person this year and I'm excited to continue to learn and grow throughout the new year. And maybe I can 'try' to keep my room clean... but no promises.

1 comment:

Gem said...

Brilliant blog!!! My room is never tidy either. My floor is my wardrobe :D

Hope you're doing ok lovely! Thank you for e-mailing my friend. She said you'd e-mailed her! :D She really appreciated!