This is a post that may not get published, and may make no sense. I just need a place to see if I can't get all my thoughts and stresses out. They won't be in order, they won't make sense, but rarely does anything fit in a nice neat box.
I'm struggling. It's no secret I don't handle stress well. Between stress and change, I get overly emotional, so much to the point that I was once mis-diagnosed as being bi-polar. Turns out I just have an adjustment issue. Having CF amplifies this problem. I like to plan, and when things start falling out of line of my meticulously planned schedule I get frustrated. Or I miss one dose of an inhaled med, and all hope is lost.
I struggle. I struggle putting myself first. Putting my health first. I like to please other people. I want their opinion of me to be a good one. I don't do well with peer pressure, and I am a complete suck-up. This is not a good combo when it comes to having CF. Sure, if I'm tired and I know the best thing for me is going home, taking a nap, and guzzling some fluids... yet, in this tired state, I'll happily run myself into the ground at someone else's expense. To make someone else's life easier, even if it makes mine more complicated.
I struggle with acceptance. I never struggled with this when I was younger, but as soon as I was aware of how big, that difference was between myself and my peers I've struggled. I go through phases where I just won't quit. I am the boss. CF doesn't define me. The whole nine yards. Then dip back into the second point I made where I don't put myself first, and all hope is lost. I suddenly flip flop unable to handle the fact that I will always have to take time out of my day to sit hooked up to a machine, whether I'm attached by vest or by nebulizer. I am overwhelmingly aware of all the extra time, and effort, and worry that goes hand in hand with living with CF. And this awareness is painful. It hurts. It runs deep and it hurts.
I struggle with motivation. I could give you a hundred reasons logically why I want to do something, and yet I find myself struggling with daily routines. There's nothing more I'd love to be than compliant. And yet pills get forgotten, and inhaled meds are skipped. I never feel good about those decisions but I consciously make them. I'd love to keep all the counters in the house clean, but everytime they start off clean, it only takes one item out of place for everything to snowball.
Lastly, I'm tired. I'm tired of these extremes I go through. I'm tried of people telling me to 'just do it.' I'm tired of people assuming they know exactly what my life is like. Even with CF everybody's life is different. But mainly I'm tired of disappointing myself. Not loving myself enough, not holding myself accountable for my decisions, I'm just tired of it all.
Blah. dramatic much? Can you tell I'm not feeling great?