Thursday, August 2, 2012

The "She's completely overreacting and being melodramatic" Post

This is a post that may not get published, and may make no sense. I just need a place to see if I can't get all my thoughts and stresses out. They won't be in order, they won't make sense, but rarely does anything fit in a nice neat box.

I'm struggling. It's no secret I don't handle stress well. Between stress and change, I get overly emotional, so much to the point that I was once mis-diagnosed as being bi-polar. Turns out I just have an adjustment issue. Having CF amplifies this problem. I like to plan, and when things start falling out of line of my meticulously planned schedule I get frustrated. Or I miss one dose of an inhaled med, and all hope is lost.

I struggle. I struggle putting myself first. Putting my health first. I like to please other people. I want their opinion of me to be a good one. I don't do well with peer pressure, and I am a complete suck-up. This is not a good combo when it comes to having CF. Sure, if I'm tired and I know the best thing for me is going home, taking a nap, and guzzling some fluids... yet, in this tired state, I'll happily run myself into the ground at someone else's expense. To make someone else's life easier, even if it makes mine more complicated.

I struggle with acceptance. I never struggled with this when I was younger, but as soon as I was aware of how big, that difference was between myself and my peers I've struggled. I go through phases where I just won't quit. I am the boss. CF doesn't define me. The whole nine yards.  Then dip back into the second point I made where I don't put myself first, and all hope is lost. I suddenly flip flop unable to handle the fact that I will always have to take time out of my day to sit hooked up to a machine, whether I'm attached by vest or by nebulizer. I am overwhelmingly aware of all the extra time, and effort, and worry that goes hand in hand with living with CF. And this awareness is painful. It hurts. It runs deep and it hurts.

I struggle with motivation. I could give you a hundred reasons logically why I want to do something, and yet I find myself struggling with daily routines. There's nothing more I'd love to be than compliant. And yet pills get forgotten, and inhaled meds are skipped. I never feel good about those decisions but I consciously make them. I'd love to keep all the counters in the house clean, but everytime they start off clean, it only takes one item out of place for everything to snowball.

Lastly, I'm tired. I'm tired of these extremes I go through. I'm tried of people telling me to 'just do it.' I'm tired of people assuming they know exactly what my life is like. Even with CF everybody's life is different. But mainly I'm tired of disappointing myself. Not loving myself enough, not holding myself accountable for my decisions, I'm just tired of it all.

Blah. dramatic much? Can you tell I'm not feeling great?


John said...

Beth, sorry to hear that things are bumming for you. Stress is never going to go away because we are human we all have it some have less some have more. For me, what I try to do is mitigate the stress in life. You cannot beat yourself up for missing a medicine. I know we strive so hard to be compliant but we are human and shit happens :) You just have to tell yourself well next time I will remember. Maybe set an alarm on your phone to help you with this.

As far as the motivation factor everyone is different on what motivates them. For me its my wife and future daughter to be born. I suggest finding that special motivator in your life by thinking of all the people that you love or love you in your life.

I said to a co worker today "gotta love life". He questioned me why? I responded because we are living :)

Hang in there Beth and keep your head up!!

Gem said...

Please don't beat yourself up over things. It's so difficult to motivate yourself to do the crappy treatment for CF as there are just so many- I can think of 100's of other things I'd rather be doing!!

I don't cope well with stress either- I get tearful and frustrated. When I did my exams at school, my mum suggested I made a timetable for each day so I knew what I had to do and when. It helped so much! We put other things in there too like my meds and my neb and scheduled in 'me time'.

Your a selfless person by nature. Of course you're going to put others first, but don't forget you need to keep track of you in all of this. You can't make someone else's life easier if you neglect yourself.

No one can tell you to "just do it" if they can't see everything you're having to contend with. You set yourself high expectations. I do too and my driving instructor once said to me "shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you'll land among the stars". It's a mantra I try to follow but at times I loose my way. It takes someone to say to me step back and look at what you've achieved as a whole. OK so I didn't live up to my high expectations this time, but look at all the times I have and be proud of them.

You only remember the things that you did wrong, never the things that you did right and the vast majority of the time, there are hundreds more things you did right than you did wrong.

Just wanted to send you love, hugs and say you know where I am if you need me.


cindy baldwin said...

Oh man. I could have written parts of this post. I deal with so many of the same things - I HATE feeling like people are going to look at me as "the slacker" who just backs out of everything because she's a wimp. I hate the limitations of CF.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts. :( You've really been through the wringer this summer.