Room 142

At 5:00 pm EST the Carnival Glory set sail to the bahamas. I've never been on a cruise before, this cruise is my first. Only, I didn't quite make it aboard. Instead I'm now hooked up to an IV pole because my body decided it was the perfect opportunity for my first ever case of hemoptysis at 3 am morning before my first ever cruise. Did I mention this cruise was a gift?

To say I am bummed is an understatement. I am bitter and filled with regret. As soon as that fateful mouthful of red, frothy, liquid poured from my teeth I immediately was trying to talk it down. When I hadn't heard back from the pulmonoligist on call for over an hour an a half I successful convinced myself it was no biggie. People bleed all the time.

But then he called, and said to come in. Come in come in. Like, sit here for a couple weeks while everyone is in the bahamas so you're alone by yourself come in.

I put my health first and I hate myself for it. I'd much rather be sick and sailing than be healthy and lonely. I'm on such a weird emotional roller coaster right now. I'll understand eventually I did make the right decision, but it doesn't help it suck any less.

I've taken 4 steps forward and now 3 and a half back. Does it ever get easier?