Friday, February 25, 2011

Even Soda Doesn't Cut it Anymore

I'm having an off day. Lately I've been having more Off than On days. But that's just the way it goes. Unfortunately my "off" days are actually the days I'm off of work. Goooo figure. Although this week I had an off day at work.

I have a list of things I'd love to do right now and I can't seem to find any motivation what so ever. I decided to give myself some time to just 'chill' and feel lousy for a bit and then start anew. I also decided to look up some blogs to see if anyone had any inspirational, quick fix it to get out of mopey land when you're feeling icky but you want to do so much?

Lately I've been backing myself into this corner. My list of things to do has sat unaccomplished for quite a while because I've convinced myself if I can't do it all then I'm sick. And who wants to be sick? And if I CAN do it all, well then, that's just pure laziness, and who in all honesty is proud of being lazy? So I've got two outcomes (in my mind at least) and both are negative. See how this is bad?

I know there's not a quick fix it, although I keep trying to convince my body that coke always dose the trick. I usually can get by feeling less congested after a good cup of soda, particually coke. Those bubbles? Clear out my throat & mouth like nothing else! Move aside toothbrush you're being replaced. The always reliable sugar rush & energy boost is always welcomed and the taste, well if you offered me pepsi I'd laugh. Maybe my body's not fooled that I got caffeine free this time. hmm.... But I wish there were some good old reliable 'tools' - if you will- to call upon when I need a pick me up, that don't leave me dashing to the nearest convient store.

I know keeping busy helps me forget that I'm feeling icky. But I also don't want to run myself down and lead to the most inconvenient hospitalization either. I've been doing so well balancing working, and thinking positive that this is a major road block for me. I know I have some power over this, but it's just so much easier to give up and cuddle in bed and waste the day. Yet, that feeling that lingers after a day such as the one just described, makes me feel even more miserable.

What's the magic balance here people? Where does it lie? How do you know you're doing 'enough' without over doing it? Or when do you know you need to back off. People say "you know you're body best" , but they don't account for all the mind tricks. I can't seem to sync up my mind with my body no matter how much soda I drink. And all these little cracks seeping into my noggin with this gloominess has reminded it of all those "what if's" I used to dwell on. I hate what if's. They do no one any good. Yet they've taken up residence and I'm having a very hard time evicting them.

I keep telling myself, counting down the days till the hospital. I know I should just go in, but I don't want to put life on hold. Not right now. I can make it. I know I can. My numbers are still where they were almost 8 months ago! It's the moodiness that is cluing me in on the much needed tune-up. I told myself I'd put my health first this year, and here I am knowing fully and allowing willingly to put it on the back burner for a few weeks for someone else.

So when does it end and how do we balance it? This will not be the last time I feel like this but in the future when it returns I want to know how to combat it. Kick it's unwelcome tushy out the door and live my life. Not live CF.


Gem said...

This is such a tough one. I never know that I've done too much until the next day when I'm too tired to do anything. I would say go in sooner rather than later, get you feeling better physically and the mind will follow pretty quickly. It's horrible feeling so crappy and it really pulls down your emotions too. Just sending lots of hugs and you know where I am if you need a rant :D xxxx

cindy baldwin said...

So, I stumbled across your blog this morning when I saw that you had followed mine. All I can say is, AMEN, SISTER! I struggle with these questions all the time too. The balancing act is incredibly difficult—trying to have a fulfilling and "normal-ish" life while still honoring your body. I'm still working on finding the quick fixes myself.... no luck yet! For me I think the most helpful thing I've found so far is prioritizing. I don't mind the occasional evening of feeling yucky if I've pushed myself too hard, but I've also found that when I'm feeling yucky in the evening, I am much less pleasant to be around and not a very good wife to my sweet husband. So "being a good wife" is one of my higher priorities—so when making decisions about how much to exert myself, I try to factor that in. Don't know if that helps at all! Hang in there.

cindy baldwin said...

Oh, another comment - I have read back over some of your old entries, and just read the one about the bad joint pain last year (?) that took you to the ER. That actually sounds EXACTLY like CF arthritis! I have been researching it lately because I'm pretty sure I have some mild CF arthritis and want to bring it up with my doctor next month. The joint pain, swelling, and rash are all associated with CF arthritis. So, I don't know if that has happened again or if you had figured it out, but thought I'd throw that info out there!