Saturday, July 24, 2010

What to do with days like these?

What do you do with the days where you feel useless?
What do you do with the days you feel you are a waste of space ?
What do you do with the days when you don't want to smile?
What do you do with the days when you know what you're feeling is okay, but you would rather really not be feeling like that at all.
How do you change?

Change seems so humiliatingly simple, yet so dauntingly hard. Its appetite for determination is larger than my supply. I simply cannot do it. Yet, typing those words I feel embarrassed. I have changed, very much so, and in an incredible short amount of time. So why do I feel so useless? Why do I feel so unaccomplished, so lost and so pathetic? Why can't I simple accept that change takes time, and I will eventually find something I love to do.

I'm impatient. Oh so, impatient. If I want something, I want it fast, I want it now. Unfortunately, it seems I have inherited that disgusting trait of American living - impatience. This change simply cannot come fast enough. Please, rid me of my sighing when waiting takes longer than a minute. Please, rid me of my annoying "never mind"s when changing an activity takes longer than a pause. Please, rid me of my hatred when kyle does not SPRINT to the dinner table after I exclaim 'dinner's ready.' Please, please, please -- can't I find some patience?

My talks with Preacher Man - aka Nate- help me realize so many things, and sometimes the words coming out of my mouth sound so foreign. Am I lying or do I really think that way? I try not to lie anymore, so I really must think that way, so why can't I listen to myself?? haha. It's all about perspective. That's what I was blabbing away about yesterday. It was a really enlightening conversation. I just can't figure out for the life of me, why I can't just listen to myself. I obviously have some good ideas left in this vegging brain of mine, so why can't I practice what I preach? I have no problem doling out advice and opinions left and right, so if I were to meet my exact twin, what would I say about her? I'm sure I'd have some great opinions, but damned if I follow that advice. Which brings me back to change.

What do I do on those days where change simply does not come fast enough?

Oh, and note-to-self: can we stop being so grumpy now, please?
PS: morphine = super itchiness! Ask for benadryl next time.

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