Just for the record...

I just was glancing at my blog to make sure the format was still looking OK; a habit I have formed every time I click that 'publish post' button. And what do you know? I have officially blogged more in 2010 than either 2009 or 2008 - go me.

Accomplishment of the day? I think so.

What to do with days like these?

What do you do with the days where you feel useless?

What do you do with the days you feel you are a waste of space ?

What do you do with the days when you don't want to smile?

What do you do with the days when you know what you're feeling is okay, but you would rather really not be feeling like that at all.

How do you change?

Change seems so humiliatingly simple, yet so dauntingly hard. Its appetite for determination is larger than my supply. I simply cannot do it. Yet, typing those words I feel embarrassed. I have changed, very much so, and in an incredible short amount of time. So why do I feel so useless? Why do I feel so unaccomplished, so lost and so pathetic? Why can't I simple accept that change takes time, and I will eventually find something I love to do.

I'm impatient. Oh so, impatient. If I want something, I want it fast, I want it now. Unfortunately, it seems I have inherited that disgusting trait of American living - impatience. This change simply cannot come fast enough. Please, rid me of my sighing when waiting takes longer than a minute. Please, rid me of my annoying "never mind"s when changing an activity takes longer than a pause. Please, rid me of my hatred when kyle does not SPRINT to the dinner table after I exclaim 'dinner's ready.' Please, please, please -- can't I find some patience?

My talks with Preacher Man - aka Nate- help me realize so many things, and sometimes the words coming out of my mouth sound so foreign. Am I lying or do I really think that way? I try not to lie anymore, so I really must think that way, so why can't I listen to myself?? haha. It's all about perspective. That's what I was blabbing away about yesterday. It was a really enlightening conversation. I just can't figure out for the life of me, why I can't just listen to myself. I obviously have some good ideas left in this vegging brain of mine, so why can't I practice what I preach? I have no problem doling out advice and opinions left and right, so if I were to meet my exact twin, what would I say about her? I'm sure I'd have some great opinions, but damned if I follow that advice. Which brings me back to change.

What do I do on those days where change simply does not come fast enough?

Oh, and note-to-self: can we stop being so grumpy now, please?

PS: morphine = super itchiness! Ask for benadryl next time.

I'm so lucid, but everything I say is a bit 'off'....

that was my catch phrase yesterday. I told EVERYONE that. I had a blast. Whatever they gave me was awesome. It was Novocaine on crack. It seriously kept my lower jaw numb for over 12 hours! I kept ice on my face for the first 7 or 8 hours because it felt so nice, and I didn't get sent up with any instructions so the nurses didnt see the harm in letting me keep them on. Although, they were trying to get me to take breaks here and there but i didn't. haha. I think thats why I wasn't swelling yesterday and could talk so well.

Overall, it went very smoothly, and now its just 'painful' but manageable with some morphine. coughing however, is a different story. When I do cough, it hurts! Because you put so much pressure into your jaw or mouth really when you cough, and you don't realize it till your mouth hurts and then you're like WOW that does hurt. so my body has not been coughing very much. I coughed a total of 4 times yesterday and a handful of times today. Yesterday coughing sucked because I couldn't swallow very well due to the tube they had to put down my throat, and the Novocaine on crack relaxed so many of my mouth/throat muscles that I couldn't control my tongue very well - haha this was funny!!-- so when I coughed, I obviously coughed up nice thick stuff b/c I hadn't been coughing at all, but have a lot of junk in there. Well, it got stuck at the back of my throat. I couldn't 'spit it up' because I didn't have control of those muscles, and I couldn't swallow it because A. my mouth was so dry and B. it hurt so much and C. it was so sticky it wasn't moving. I literally had to let water dribble down my throat for almost an hour till it was gone.

haha get this, I tried to scrape it off the back of my tongue with one of those sponge-on-a-stick, but I got caught and was told I couldn't stick anything in my mouth like that. haha oh well.... worth a try.

Anywhoo, todays been okay. mouth hurts but its not pain i'm used to. I'm used to sharper more intense pain that goes away quickly, think-- breathing lung spams, joint movement pain, etc. This, this is new to me. Its painful but at the same time not? Its very achy, very very achy to the point of pain. If that makes sense. Its tight and i keep biting my cheeks haha. but its much more of a constant achy tight pain than a sharp pain, again, like I'm used to. So when they ask me to 'rate my pain' I'm very conflicted, because I'm very uncomfortable but I know I've had worse pain in my life so I dont know what to say. I've told them that unless I'm in tears and I am dying I probably wont ever go above an 9. That said Without any morphine or motrin I'm a seven-seven and a half. When I cough, it pushed on that 9. With morphine (IV pain killer) it takes me down to maybe a 5 but nothing less than that. Its very weird. So we've been trying morphine with regular motrin and then some Tylenol with codine... idk I just seem to be uncomfortable all the time, the degree to which varies depending on the drugs, but overall its uncomfortable.. I wouldn't say I'm in agony or anything just uncomfortable, but I wasn't expecting this type of 'pain'. Its just very foreign and bizarre. Almost makes me think -- this is what people think hurts? I've had some stomach aches much worse than this that I would have loved to get morphine for... which again is why I don't use anything above an 8 maybe 9 on the pain scale because it can always get worse.

Overall though, I'm doing really really well. My teeth haven't bleed today so we seem to be in good shape. I ate food today, including some small small pieces of chicken. AND the best news, I haven't lost any weight! even with not eating for about 3 days since i've been here basically.

My docs are really good too. He said right now try chest pt only how and when I feel I cna handle it, we'll keep the pain undercontrol as much as possible because of the 8.5 pain I feel with coughing... and then we'll just be very aggressive after the next day or so when I come off the morphine and can cough good again, and its not painful. sounds like a plan to me!

I love everyone here, they do such a good job. It really makes me appreciate how much time and effort they put in for my care and well being. I try to learn everyones name- I feel its the least I can do. I am going to try to make thank you cards for everyone here just so they know how much they are truly appreciated.

hope everyone is doing well, and feeling good.

xoxoxoxoxo

Bite your tounge

I should take my own advice!I just kinda skimmed through my blog, and I say some pretty not nice, or very untrue things. I let my overdramaticness/emotions take a hold and speak. blah. Like one time I said my sister is the eipitiotmy of laziness? Not true. I have seen many people lazier than she is. and also, its very hard to judge 'laziness' for someone who has lung function barely over 20 -- its not laziness, she just literally can't do it. *smacks head* I feel like an idiot. If she had read that one day and not realized that I truely didn't think she was lazy I would feel awful if that was her last impression of me having of her (did that just make sense to more than just myself? --- what the heck I am talking like yoda tonight. )

Well, anyways I say a lot of a things I truely don't mean here. Really its just a way to get my frustration out in 'words' and down somewhere so they don't actually come out of my mouth and perhaps hurt the person I'm talking about.

Moving on- Wisdom teeth are coming out in 6 hours. EEEEEEK. I'm the first appointment. oh man. oh man oh man. wish me luck. I'll hopefully get a picture while the meds are still strong so you can see my funny chipmonk cheeks hehehe hope things go well tomorrow. and now its time for sleep

Oh, hey remember that blog where I said I'd have tons of time to blog in the hospital??? UMMMMM yea right? I tried to play a little bit of my online game, and I was logged in for almost 4.5 or 5 hours and played maybe 30 minutes. broken into tiny tiny time frames too mind you, a minute here- 20 seconds there, kill one thing then someone else would walk in my hosp. room. grrrrr. sleeptime.

Family Love

Family is down to spend the week of the 4th of July here. Although they didn't go out with me and kyle to see the fireworks. So glad you came for the 4th of july in one of the most historic places of the USA -- greeeaaaaat. But I didn't mind. We had had a long day.

I'll have to update later about what we've been doing. I've been SO exhausted - but luckily the week after they leave I'll be going into the hospital for a tune up/ getting my wisdom teeth out. Fun fun fun.

Heres just a small list of the things we've done so far I'll elaborate next week when I have ALL day and ALL night to do NOTHING! woohoo. Gotta love hospitals.

Things we've done:

1. Went to a waterpark and stayed ALL day
2. Ate out at restaurants (quite a bit!)
3. Swam swam swam swam swam
4. Kayak on the huge lake
5. Went to see a Movie

Thing we are going to do:

1. Spend the day down in VA Beach
2. Swim swim swim
3. Have a mother/daughter Spa day
4. Go to the river to swim some more

I'm not too sure what else, but for right now that seems plenty for me. haha.

hope everyones doing well!