Monday, June 28, 2010

My Ear is Inside OUT!

Say What? That's right. My ear... is inside out. Or at least, that's what I like to call it. You see my lovely ear decided a few weeks ago to get 'clogged up' or 'fluid filled' or whatever happens when you can suddenly hear yourself as you speak (echoing in side your head), or when you breathe in you feel air seep through your ear canal? Does anyone know what I'm talking about here?? Sometimes this feeling happens when you block a nostril and snort up your nasal med through the other one. Boom! Inside out ear. But those usually go away.

Now, this isn't just a 'my ear is clogged'. Oh, no, it's never that simple! See my ear will be inside out most of the day, then whoosh, just like that, clear as day. Its very very frustrating, not to mention uncomfortable! I explained all this at clinic, and I thought it was just all the extra fluid I have in my nasal cavity... but apparently not. I love my new nose spray that I got, dries me right up... except for this silly inside out ear.

The Dr. W. said if it is an ear infection, then the bactrim will take care of it. Mmhm. Sounds like good reasoning to me. So why after a whole week of bactrim is my ear still inside out?! I don't like hearing what goes on in my brain, or worse, my heavy breathing! And man, breathing in? The worst! I breathe in through my nose and I feel like my ear is going to implode into my skull. Really, ear, really?

Dear Ear,
Please turn right side out again, and stay that way. You are for hearing, not for hurting. I would be much obliged. Thank you,
Your human aka your home.
PS if you don't straighten out Imma go Vangough on you and rip you off. Just sayin' get your act together. =D

Anyway, now that I have sent a lovely death threat to my ear, lets move on with even more frustrating CF related things. . . INSURANCE! Woohoo. This is one of my favorite topics. I love insurance companies! They are seriously the best. (Anyone detect sarcasm here?) Well, my mom was Audited at work to make sure I was still a full time student. Which, I'm not.... hmm. I had sent my Michelle Law paperwork in (overnighted btw to make sure it got there FAST...) but now that I'm 20 dollars poorer, and no Michelle law, I need to fill out Cobra stuff because lo and behold I am insuranceless!!!!!

AHHH. What a scary statement that is! I can't fill anymore meds, or see any doctors until I have cobra. And I only have 2 days to get the paperwork in. Seriously people? two days? What is that? Oh not to mention the winner -- price. Oh yes, lovely lovely price. What's that you say? 600 dollars a month for coverage? No problem, let me just break open my golden piggy bank to reveal my diamonds and rubies... oh wait, I live in the real world -- hm alright, try this again. 600 dollars you say? What the #$@! ??? Serious? I mean, don't get me wrong 600 dollars is much better than 250,000$ a month but how am I supposed to pay that? Ugh what a mess.

It doesn't help that my mother is being soooo unhelpful. 'Mom call me when you can" -I get a text. Mom do you even know what CALL ME means anymore? Texting doesn't cut it. EVER. I swear that woman is off her rocker. Anytime she can get out of speaking with me via text instead she will do it. What a bitch. yea yea yea I know, she's my mother, but honestly until she starts acting like a mother again I'm not calling her mom. I call her Karen all the time. But, I digress, back tot he story.

Mom- call me... texts me instead. GRRR but I go along. "Mom, Can I have the number for michelle law so I can see if I can't get this to go quicker, because cobra is expensive"

Mom: "well you don't have coverage RE you need to do cobra now. Sorry!"

(What am I stupid? Obviously, but I still need the number...Oh and what is this sorry business, does saying sorry about it being expensive imply that you will not be helping to pay for it?? )
Me: Okay, well do you have the Michelle law's ppl # b/c if it takes more than 5 months to go through I should just become a student again =/

Mom: I don't think it will take long. they should be sending us confirmation that it is being review and that the letter should tell us when to expect an answer

(still no number! If I can just call them, I might be able to get an answer sooner than waiting for a letter that you will [probably get and forget to tell me about)

Me: ------------------------------ *At this point I gave up texting her because it was useless. Also, because kyle spilled oil all down his front at work so I needed to bring him a new set of clothing.

Sigh, mom oh mom, you get a letter today too:

Dear Karen,
Please start acting like the woman I used to know. The woman who LOVED her children very much so, and would jump through as many hoops as she had to, to help her babies. Now, you couldn't give two hoots what's going on and everything that's going on [with me] you see as a 'hassle'. You have simply washed your hands of responsibilities of both me and Julie, and its heartbreaking. Just because I moved, doesn't make me any less of a daughter. I could still use a little money here and there. (Don't get me wrong I'm not 'ungrateful' I really do appreciate you paying for my car insurance and health insurance... but I'm saying a little help towards rent or groceries would be cool). I don't know Karen, you just seem so ... distant and childish lately. Claiming 'you're not going if Stash is going" as your daughter is being carted off to the hospital in an ambulance??? This is not about YOUR feelings karen, and it should never be. You should be willing to do anything and everything for your daughters. Especially the one who lives with you right now who really needs a lot of help. You should be embarrassed that Stash does most of the housework there. And if you even try to tell me she won't let you, that's bullshit. Do it before she does and you won't have a problem. I'm just saying. And that same old excuse "Work is stressing me out" yea yea yea work stresses EVERYONE out, you're not special. And you think WORK is stressful? Try having a disease where you can't even work because ssi and akjdf;lkajsd;fkja;dfjk see now I'm on a tangent and I"m just getting more and more frustrated, because even though I'm not talking to you I feel like I'm talking to you and you just don't get it. So Karen, please PLEASE please please go back to the fun loving MOTHER I used to know. I'm not sure I like the new cougs very much. ='/

Your Youngest,

PS and if you read this in real life, well it's your own fault, I've told you before not to read my blog, and theres a reason why I don't link it to anything... but if you do read it then I'm also glad. I have no intention of hurting you, just hoping to help you get your priorities back in line. That said take what you will from it, and will you please start loving me again??

Sigh. Now all I'm upset. Not crying my eyes out upset, just disappointed. My lawyer finally called me back saying he didn't get my first message, "The machine must have dropped it" OR you just didn't feel like calling me back you asshole. Apparently court dates are taking 12-14 months to schedule. SCHEDULE never mind actually going to court. It could be scheduled for the next year! I just feel like I'm losing my mind. I just want to be done. I want to worry about things normal 'teens' do. I want to worry about my highlights, or how tan I am, or what I"m going to wear to the club on saturday. Or who I'm going to get a drink with on thirsty thursday. I don't want to worry about when my SSI will finally get approved, or how to pay for health insurance, or my mother not caring for my sister in the ICU, or needing a gtube because I can't gain weight... I don't want to worry about these things. EVER. And yet, these are all the things I am worrying about. I don't care what my hair looks like anymore, I don't even have friends to go to the club with, and dancing for 4 hours? mmhm okay, nough said. I've just had enough. But I can't do anything about it. I can't just throw CF away. I'm trying my best to love my life, I really am, but sometimes it just downright SUCKS. There are some things I wouldn't change for the world. I wouldn't give kyle up for anything, and if having kyle means I have to keep CF, then I would, but if I could give up CF and still have kyle, I would chuck CF in the garbage disposal and watch it be chopped up into smithereens.

Alright I'm done. I started to blog with the intentions of just jotting down my frustration about my stupid inside out ear and now I'm just gone on and on complaining. Oh what a day it will be. But at least my coffee was made right today? (almost but I'm counting it as right anyways).

Tomorrow will be a new day, and that's what counts.

1 comment:

Gem said...

*runs and takes a flying jump onto Beth and gives her a hug*. HAHAHA!!! Your ear letter made me laugh so much! I know what you mean though! It's a really horrible feeling!!! Sloshy ears... Have you asked about getting them syringed? I was pretty much deaf as a child with constant ear infections which ended up scarring up my ear drum and they had to syringe my ears to clear the gunk from them. It doesn't hurt and it feels lovely after!! :D Hope you're ok!!!!!! Chin up chuck! I'm here if you need me :D xxx