Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Lost: my FUN, if seen please return ASAP

I used to be a goofball. I used to crack up until I fell off of my seat. Where did that girl go? How come I can't seem to find her, and all I can come up with are Debbie Downers' and Negative Nancys'? I understand life isn't supposed to be easy, and it isn't supposed to be fair, but not fun? Life should be fun. All I want is my fun back. I lost it somewhere along the way, whether I lost it in medications, exams, or friendships, I want my fun back. I'm having a very hard time staying positive when I can't even find a little fun. 

I know I'm not feeling well, and it probably doesn't help that the psychiatrist gave me expired medication -- thanks doc ! -- sigh. But, nonetheless, I"m bound to take it every single night, becuase without this stupid yellow half a pill, I might breakdown and decide slitting my wrists is more important than fighting through this fun-less cyclone. Or better yet, I might go manic, and decide I'm above everyone else and go on a sticky-fingered rampage through my favorite stores. 

Most of my life that I can remember well, I have been -- apparently Bi-polar for. Thanks fam. for not letting me in on that! Naaah don't worry it won't screw me up or anything. Now, I can't seem to find who I am. I don't know who I'm supposed to be with medication. Am I really this anxiety ridden worry wart? What fun is that to sit next to, it might be contagious. 

I want to giggle again, make stupid faces, laugh until I pee. I want my family to be more supportive for me, and I want a job that I love. I want so many things out of life, but most importantly I don't want any of them if they aren't going to be fun. I want my fun back. So if anyone's seen my fun, please return it to me? 

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