Monday, September 26, 2011


I am relying. I am sitting when I should be standing, walking when I should be running. Overall, I'm not relying on myself but rather something else. This has got to end. I don't know when it started but it needs to end soon; now.

I woke up this morning after a weekend of a mysteriously sore chest feeling like I was sick. Head stuffy, chest sore, cranky... and thought "No wonder I dreamt I was sick... I still am. Oh, they better find a way to fix this or I'll have a few choice things to say to them."

That's when I realized my doctors can only do so much, and they're trying! Which is more than I can say for myself these days. I'm getting by. I'm doing only what needs to be done to feel the immediate effect of it. It needs to end.

I need to put 110% percent into myself because no one else can. Other people can provide me tools to do so, but ultimately I have to make the choice for myself, to take the utmost care of myself that I can.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing my meds out or skipping meals. I'm just not consistant enough. I used to be consistant with a capital 'C'. I started to pride myself on how consistant I was. I was never consistant as a kid but in January 2009 I started a journey of 'Me,' and that journey came with consistency. Today I am deciding that I want it back.

Sometimes I fall into the trap that consistency is a sacrifice. Well, I have to sacrifice 30 minutes of sleep so I can get up and do my vest. I have to sacrifice my time out so I can squeeze in a Cayston treatment at home. It is not a sacrifice if it's important, it is not a sacrifice is it is constant. It is a duty. It is the way it needs to be. A way of life, and with the consistency, a good life, a healthy life. My life.

However no one can make me consistant. I have to want it, to choose it, for my own. So today, here at this very early moment I am deciding I need to re-evaluate my commitment to myself and all those who love me and step it up. I'm through relying on antibiotics to make me feel better. I can feel better if I work hard enough, with the right tools and right now, that's what I'm challenging myself. Work harder, breathe easier....consistently.


Megan said...

Glad to hear that you're getting back into consistency. It's hard thing to do. I'm trying to add exercise into my daily routine and it's easier said than done. I'm very glad you're getting the treatments taken care of though - I hope you start to see results from all your hard work!

Gem said...

Brilliant blog miss Beth! It's so difficult to be 110% compliant. So what if we miss a 20 minute airway clearance session here and there? When we become poorly that's why it matters. I love your honesty! I really hope that things improve. It's so difficult to see your way through this but you're doing great :D